Sunday, May 29, 2005


I'm doing my best, and dammit its good enough. They love the banter but leave your material at home, cause it's a rif only room for 60 min.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Ok Corbin KY, very enjoyable crowds and literally the first show I've done on the edges of Appalachia. And you can see the fetal damage from all typse of hommade alchohol. There is a wild craziness in the newly legal drinking, and a tension of the past getting the crap beat out of it by the future steamrolling through town... You wonder if those that have secrets aren't already making plans for lesser grounds.

Hey cops are great for comedy shows, thats just a rule. And if you have one black guy in a crowd at the birthplace of Cololnol Saunders KFC, you have another ten minutes written. What a free for all the shows were, but they appreciatted them with such aggressive handshaking, and smiles that rested mear inches from my eyes. I met only one girl in a last ditch attempt to get some pre peice action, however her youth and level of intoxication was a red flag, as I feel her testimony would be far more effective when she decides sleeping with me will piss off her boyfriend , so I called it a night and got up the next morning and drove 700 miles home... And now with two Ambien and a muscle relaxant kicking in, i bid you adiue...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
When going in to cash a check drawn on the very branch it was written I encountered the latest tax on the poor.... The check cashing fee from a bank, to cash their own check. That is completely fucked up. It's immoral and it's wrong..... SO here's how we beat it.
FOR Now on I charge a check cashing fee applied to all of my checks that are not cashed at the local clubs, as a due service charge, and I encourage everyone to start to make this a practice in whatever field you are in, just to get people mad. You're a painter, it's and extra fiver for checks, if you're a contractor, extra fin per check, paper boy(and your will add up) extra cinqo, prostitute, if your taken checks, you should call me...


Holy Fuck, they really got no shame now do they?
Copyright Pete Johansson

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Land Developers Take Note.....

There is a little place called Madison Indiana. It has been left untouched by the rest of the radical exploitation and slow transformation of America into recognizable Strip malls. It is a quaint town of abot 20,000 which was actually larger in the 1800's. Very cool preserved downtown, nice very clean looking people, freshly scrubbed... they look mormon, but less crazy.

Anyways georgous town, not a bad show at the Electric Lady, I was a little too high energy for such a small crowd, but dammit I give it my all....
Also, wow, teachers are bad! They learn nothing from standing in front of kids all day, we had this group of women teachers and they talked non stop through the entire show, or myself and the legendary Jim Wiggins. It was all I could do not to do what most kids in school would do in the same situation. Which is get dadies gun and kill roughly six or seven people then claim it was ritalins fault....

love me!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I was visited by the Grammer Police... Or the Jack Boot Apostrophe weilding nuts, that try to make apostrophe policy rather than interpreting it....... We must do all we can to get these people off the spelling court before our ideas are turned topsy turvy by a small percentage of grammar radicals who will, change the way we communicate forever. Imagine a day when you cannot tell someone that you love them, just cause it's not in the present perfect sense... I mean thats where these bastard's are going. Next they'll change the punctuation in the BIBLE! Can you imagine???? WHat if they changed 'and the lord asked Peter, do you really love me? And he replied yet again. Yes lord I really love you' to .... ' Peter! Who do you love? Comon Baby, who? ... Jeseus... Jesuss! ....mmmm...'
See totally different meaniong and thats where these activist 'Spellers and sinners' are taking us.....
ACtion Now!

I think my blog title is suposed to be 'Nothing's Funny' not Nothings Funny...
BonBon13@----- informed me..
Ah.....Pete, boy......I believe you are missing an apostrophe in your title:
Nothings Funny.
N'est pas?
Nothing is less funny than a misplaced apostophe!

I will take this under advisement and digest the possibilities of change... But jeezus, come on, seriously, aren't there some right winger bloggers out there that you could assail with this 'grammmer attack?' or some left wingers with your 'spelling assault' instead of constantly going after the apathetic, and their indifferent use, or lack there of Apostrophes (or apostrophe's Im not sure).
Much luv
Huntsville Alabama... My peace is made with the state that destroyed my ego...(my odometer reads mile 35302, on a one and a half year old VW Passat)

With fragile hands, and a little fake it till you make it bravado, I paced the back of the one nighter in Huntsville Alabama. Another 600 clicks on my rapidly depreciating Passat and I am back in the state that I associate with the burning pain of failure. I bombed in Birmingham a couple weeks ago like I have never bombed in five years.... So understandably I was nervous.

But I also approached this as a lover who got another chance to please a woman, who reluctantly opens her bed to him again, after the first encounter she was so unsatisfied she mocked his manhood and got up and left in the middle of the sex to call her friends and say how bad you were... That's kinda what it feels like to try again to be funny in Alabama.

I watched the first act Will something, man that guy is funny. Hold on I'll look his name up on my phone...It's Will Hardesty. Freakin amazing undiscovered character actor and performer in Louisville KY, somebody could make alot of money off that guy. Anyways, brilliant act, and not in the way that it can't be followed... his act literally trains an audience to pay attention to jokes, therefore making the headliner look great, that must actually suck for him... cause he is by far the better comic than I bet almost everyone he opens for...and that is not just my low Canadian self esteem talking. Anyways, I got up there and it just started to click, they loved my opener, they dug my rifs, and they paid attention without talking... they just laughed their asses off.... Thank you Jesus! I needed that...

Again I was confronted with the fact that I have nothing to sell, I was asked about twenty times if I had a CD and of course... nope, that would be smart and profitable. Say it out loud with me "spend money to make money!"

Alright now back onto a tale of two types of Southern Girls....

I have only a few days left for sex. As most of you readers know I am on a countdown clock to next Monday when I will be getting a certain piercing that will put me off the market for four weeks. Anyways, I rocked in Huntsville, the best show they ever had, and that was from pretty much everyone, so great environment to get laid... Right? Nope, not with the southern girl syndrome.
ALL SOUTHERN GIRLS ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS FROM AGE 20 TO 29, when they get divorced.

I am not kidding, every girl...100% because I asked all of them, were in a relationship. ALL OF THEM. NOT ONE SINGLE GIRL. WHAT THE FUCK?

Does any girl in the south ever say no to marriage? Seriously maybe be a little discerning. They are hot, but why do they all settle down with the first freaking dude that asks them to marry? I don't get it.

And I am not a house wrecker, I cannot cheat with a chick unless of course she doesn't tell me till afterwards, then I got no problem. Anyways, there are two types of girls in Alabama, first there are the really hot girls who are engaged or married.




The two types of Girls you'll meet in Alabama....The good girls...
Copyright Pete Johansson

That is a pic of them above.. these are good girls. Husbands and boyfriends in Iraq, patriotic, honest, sweet, and of course taken. And probably taken from their teens, I would bet these girls have never been single for more than a day. They might turn out OK as they are engaged to officers and not grunts, but nonetheless too young to get married. Oh and nice, damn they were nice. When I go to Iraq I'm gonna find their significant others and let them know, how freakin lucky they are... But these are not my type of girl anyways... These are my brothers type of girl.

I am a little more deviant, I like the way a woman's breathe can smell of danger. I like worrying about my wallet when I fall asleep next to someone. So let me introduce...


And the bad girls...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Hmmm... Part time stripper, full time pool hustler, likes the sweet, sweet taste of the devils liquor, and I would bet could sniff a whole bag of pixie dust and smoke whatever is left over in a pipe...She is my speed of girl.... And boy I think speed does play into why she is so unique. I never got her name, cause I couldn't quite understand it... But she was quite the catch in a bar full of girls who tucked away any faults and flaws she wore an open toe shoe without a pedicure.
She was not the type to attend a comedy show, she stumbled in afterward, with a pool cue looking for someone to play at 20 bucks a game. Her stride was that of a con girl with a deadline to lose her thumbs, on target, and although she took in the distractions that befell her she quickly remembered it was money that has kept her running since she realized she first owed somebody back when she was too young to run up debts.

I smelled trouble and immediately got hard. Her stare rested on your eyes, waiting... waiting for you to pick out her hard nipples poking through her top, that would be her signal to play you, that's when she knew the game was afoot. They poked hard and youthful creating obscene bookends for a golden cross a little to gaudy for the pious, but just enough for the mirrors reflection to ad an ironic glint to an athletic cleavage.
We toyed with our words. She tested my mark qualities...'buy me a drink.' .. 'no'. 'I'm a dancer"..."so." It was a battle for interest. "I'm a comic"...'whatever'. ... 'You like to fuck?' ... Yeah. That's too bad I don't have enough time to hide all my valuables, otherwise I'd fuck you...

And there I left my dirty princess, slipping her hand inside a guys pocket by a pool table, looking over her shoulder and making eye contact with me, like it was the first time, cause she already forgot our first interaction...

Off to Louisville, KY.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Vanity.

As I begin a week long tour of the mid-south. I am confronted with how the mid -south is a simile (or more aptly a metaphor, but I don't want to go back and correct simile) for my mid-life (if I live to only 62)...
I am going to a place I am not overly familiar with so you best be as good looking as possible.
This is a universal rule in our modern world where content is put aside for presentation. Where packaging meetings, superseed meetings about whether the product works. We are a people who buy billions of dollars worth of products that do not work... Because of the lies it's packaging tells us... Ab exersisers, Viox, Carmex, Penis Enlargement pills, Weight loss pills, Brass magnetic bracelets, cellulite cream, and caviar. None of these products work yet they are worth billions, why? Cause the packaging sells us a dream... This would never work with things like street drugs, you could never package really bad coke in a super trendy bag and sell it, cause everything I've learned from Miami Vice tells me the deal would go bad... I don't know how, I'm not a druggy but I asume some guy from "MR Big's" crew would come down on your ass for it...

Ok well enough about that, but it leads me to myself. I am going to repackage myself... Not a makeover, a repackaging, a new and improved version, I am going to make myself look like something clearly I am not, if only to make others buy into the dream of who I am. I'm gonna market me, and I am gonna start right on the surface where it all matters. Tone and tune, Muscles that bulge and are defined, these will promise people a virile exciting male who is strong... even though I am in essence a wimp, and spiritually on the fence. Bright white teeth via teeth whitener... this will make people think I am healthy even though depression and critical flaws in ones self esteem lead to millions of sicknesses every year. A neat tightly cropped haircut, with well moisturized eyes, this will give a sense of put togetherness and intensity of gaze helping with the illusion of intellect and dilligence, when in fact I am often confused, and lack focus almost to the point of needing treatment. A glowing aftificial tan, that screams outdoor activities, and a good sporting mate who likes to do things, when in fact I would rather lock myself in my room and watch a movie that I regret I did not write.

This repackaging will be heaven, I sell my dream of me to a new potential mate who can slowly be dissapointed in the product until they replace me with an off the counter no-name brand that delivers...

Weird post? Well I been vain lately, and I feel guilty for lookin so good:)

Topic 2-


Tina Dupuy and a fatter less repackaged me....
Copyright Pete Johansson

Tina Dupuy has erected a much due shrine to me, (see I'm hot!), anyways this is due to the fact that I insisted I was her muse. Well perhaps I am, but it is a very funny post none the less, and it does announce the fact that we are going to test the waters of the next eveloution of self indulgence via the web... Podcasting, together. Sure it's no wedding announcement, but thats because Tina loves Brian, and I love myself, so it would never work out. But it's kinda like announcing an illigitamite child together that we are nutually ashamed of but must support... SO stay tuned for some weekly podcasting of the most lighthearted and yet satirical and yet mildly irritating fashion. Yours truly, the apathetic one, pete.

Friday, May 20, 2005

A Baptism of Fearlessness.


Hmm... a comic with a Prince Albert piercing?


Now, sometimes in life you feel a need to do something that really can't be rationally entertained by the masses. Things like get a frizzy permanent, buy an annuity(crazy!), eat fugu in a sushi bar(not fubu, cause that's racist), and sleep with a hatian prostitute without a condom, or even invade Iraq. Everybody will try and talk you out of it, but in your heart you know its the right thing to do. I think I have come to one of those points in my life.

I am going to get a Prince Albert piercing. Now few people would ever consider this, and many more will just never understand why. I know, and I'm not trying to justify this to you, it's what I have decided. I have unilaterally decided to do this, and as I am not a democratically elected republic but am in fact an oligarchy of conflicting identities who govern myself with a firm policy of high tax, low growth, I will be doing this in two weekends time.

I did a TON of research, and although there are problems it is not as bad as I origionally thought. I already talked to my piercer, and I think my biggest problem from what I have read will be bleeding...It bleeds alot. But as I have seen a nipple piecing, (holy shit did they scream! It is accepted that that is the worst, and PA are akin to a gentle sting in comparison... Of course everyone that knows me, knows I am so afraid of bee's, its kinda ironic. But really not ironic if you like follow "definitions" and all that BS)

I was thinking of posting a picture here as to what i'm talking about.... But then I thought that might freak some people out.
Here is a link to a page about them... if you are easily queezed out don't click! Pic of Prince Alber Piercing.
I have to wait, because I am on the road for a week, and I figure it will be very difficult to be funny with a bloody penis, and guaze stuck in my pants. I could be wrong, but then again why put that on a list of reasons why you had a bad show...

"hey pete what happened out there?"

"Funny, it was going great until I started to bleed through my pants... I tried to laugh it off, but other than a really weird Victor/Victoria explanation and a grand finale with me pulling a wig off and flashing boobs, I think explaining my piercing might be a show stopper...."-fictional

In fact I am going to talk about it on stage. I am writing material for it now, but I am not writing too much I do not want to be the guy that gets a piercing because he wants to do jokes about it....
In all honesty here is why I am doing it.

It's pretty simple. It is something I would never do. And I am realizing that at this point in my life their is so much I have simply not experienced or lived because some rule that isn't my own has infected my exisistance and made me do things or not do things even though in my heart I don't subscribe to those beliefs.
I hate pain. I am a wimp, but if I can do this, it reafirms that I can face many things I fear... not the least of which is to start talking about things I really find funny on stage... course I'm not there yet, right now I just talk about what makes other people laugh which I luv. But I also want to make me laugh... and that will be scarier, and I will ease into that mess as I continue....

So in essence this is a baptism of fearlessness, and that can't be bad.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


I sold 100 of these babies...I might make some more, but somehow they should advertise something to do with me...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Really this sums up my demographic, and where I am in life...PS PHOTO TAKEN BY TINA DUPUY! NOT BY ME< HOWEVER SHE TOOK IT ON MY CAMERA, OF COURSE I ASKED HER TO TAKE A PHOTO OF ME, BUT SHE NEEDS TO FEEL CREDIT....
Copyright Pete Johansson
Guess what I learned to do today with my blog...

OK here's a hint, they say they are worth a thousand words... however I am such a bad photographer I would say mine speak about thirty words tops.

Anyways if you tuned in for my Voodoo spells scroll way down. If you tuned in to the story about a girl who enjoys the delights of her darker entrance scroll wayy down, if it's bombing in Birmingham you probably need to check the archives...enjoy these random pictures that I never posted till now from some of my trips over the last year.

Papers!... and by that I mean cash.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Street scene in Kabul.. Remember they don't have to wear Burkas, they choose to.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Geezuz! Don't ask don't tell.
Copyright Pete Johansson

They thought I was funny, course it was gay friday, the day.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Next time you walk into a club and it seems like it sucks, remember this. I swear to god, that is the stage! And we performed at twilight, with a Cobra helicopter flying lookout so no one took potshots at us! Maybe you need to redefine what you consider a hell gig huh?
Copyright Pete Johansson

Hard Rock Cafe Salerno, actually better than most Hard rocks as they don't charge for bottled water and there is ping pong.
Copyright Pete Johansson

The special forces hang out in Forward Fire Base Salerno.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Hey could you park that big explosive target by my tent please...
Copyright Pete Johansson

It doesn't get more real than this... Nightly rocket attacks made those concrete blocks your shelter...
Copyright Pete Johansson

I am a sweaty sweaty man. But here's a tip, don't wear a suit jacket around New Orleans unless you have icewater in your veins.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Me and the World famous Tab Benoit, blues guitarist and singer. This guy is freakin amazing, if you ever get a chance go watch him play, or just hang out with him cause he is a pussy magnet of the industrial size.
Copyright Pete Johansson

This mutherfucker was crazy! I just found this picture and he was freakin funny,. More so in real life... He competed with these two strippers on the dance floor and put them to shame!
Copyright Pete Johansson

Me in Afghanistan, I always meant to publish some of these photos. This is a guy that I bought a tea set from, but I gave it to my ex. She likes tea.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Dragonfly sitting on my old 67 Mustang.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Just some random thoughts today...

I took an Ambien so I am on a countdown clock as to when I will drop teeth and nose to keyboard and have no discernable memory until my eight hours of artificially induced zzzz's are complete. I love that it is called a hypnotic, because i have dreams of trancing out on a dance floor with glow sticks and a cat in the hat, well hat, on. But it is more the, god I am so filled with anxiety about bills, love and life's meaning that I cannot stop the ticking bomb that is my plummiting security in this completely artificial construct of a life i have created or been placed in so I nust utilize a witches brew of molecules loosely based on a near extinct plants dna for a moment of peace between the nonstop shrieking of my conscience and soul to keep me alert and edgy all day.
It's thoughts like that, that limit my relationship to really cute girls. As really cute girls never wish to discuss any topic which will add the perspective of insignificance to any quality that they have built their belief of self on. Man I am in a mood tonight...

There is no real reason, other than I have been frightened by the supernatural today. I am only a light admirer of anything occult, in fact I would say I am a devout scientist, and somewhat of a Skeptic. In fact I used to subscribe to Skeptic magazine, which I guess qualifies me as one. So as someone that frowns, and pokes jabs at the believers of any paranormal phenominah(sp?), I predicted three very random things today with perfect accuracy, and perfect timing. It really fucked with my head, cause if I'm psychic why the hell am I just getting it now? And why is it about the most useless shit in the world. I predicted that I would get an email from a certain person whome I hadn't spoken to in weeks. I clicked the refresh button on my screen and it was there, I almost jumped out of my freakin chair. Then I predicted that a certain person would ask me a certain obscure question when they talked to me...it happened. As well I predicted the phone would ring just before it rang, then I saw a bird hit the window of the house, but live and fly away, and holy shit!

Dude, I cannot explain it, but I hope I get an image of somethin valuable that I can work with or for this shit to go away, cause if its here to stay its kinda gay.
God I knew I would end with a lame rhyme!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Comedy is Voodoo, Voodoo is Comedy.

Papa Ledgbae was the fire bearded warlock of old whom Voodoo priestesses called upon for power by soaking their naked bodies with rum... Sound familiar comics? Yeah baby, I been casting spells for years and didn’t even know it!
I did a little research while I was down in the Big Easy last trip and became fascinated with the history of Voodoo and all the well known spells that they have.

For Instance, if you want an immediate proposal for marriage (why I don't know) you would tie a rooster under the desired persons porch and then have them sit over top in a rocking chair while you sit next to them...

I want to caution you however, that as Louisiana is a 'Red' state, by no means is this to be used for gay marriage proposals! That would be wrong! Also, from what I know of gay culture, you want to tie that cock in your lap for immediate proposal... Ahh this voodoo humor writes itself.

Back to spells, this rooster spell was long before we discovered we could hypnotize women with shiny clear worthless stones known as diamonds, but priestesses probably found it to disconcerting to have small children die in mines to make jewelry, when you could just kill a chicken. My how we've evolved.

To get rid of a neighbor, kill a black chicken and throw it over his house. Wow chickens really take the brunt, in black magic. And why does it have to be a black chicken? This seems like an awful lot of black on black chicken crime. However I wonder how hard it is to throw a dead chicken, (ps another comedy crossover! think about the classic dead chicken gag, tell me voodoo and stand up aren't married together in hell.) I mean some houses are pretty big, I doubt I could clear the distance, and would getting the chicken only half way cause the neighbors to only hint at moving...

To make a love powder...Gut a live hummingbird, dry its heart and powder it. Sprinkle the powder on the person you desire. OK, or try maybe losing a little weight, working out, smile more and be engaging in conversation, get a haircut, buy a nice shirt, brush your teeth, keep good hygiene, be respectful and polite while still having an edge of danger and surprise, yet be stable financially... wait I guess gutting a hummingbird is a little easier.

Now below I have created some powerful spells for comics and crowds alike. WARNING! These are spells, and when you play with black magic you let the devil into your house for a day. Now, if you have a one bedroom apartment this could suck as the devil is up late a night and he doesn't care if the TV is too loud when he watches it, also he will wear your clothes, make no doubt about it, your favorite shirt will get a devilish stain, which you probably won't get out.

VOODOO for Comics.

To get a booking in a club that hasn't watched your tape.
Take a teaspoon of dried mandrake root, a chicken bone from the booker's last meal, five hairs from a contestant on last comic standing(for fastest effect make it Todd Glass but be careful he is losing hairs fast.), and write 'Papa Ledgbae please give me a door deal!' on the dried skin of a rat. Light a red candle and heat the skin of the rat over it, while drinking rum and facing north, call out to Papa with your opening bit. Make sure you pause at the end of the bit to let Papa laugh, or if the bit is not strong enough to open with steal one of Attels bits. DO not try to open with a weak bit, as Papa will curse the booking and you will never get a laugh(see Bombing in Birmingham in Archives)... Burn the Mandrake in the candle and place the hairs on the skin, folding the skin to a pouch and sewing it closed. Rub the pouch all over your headshot and tape, and then send to the proposed booker in an envelope from Dave Becky at Three Arts Entertainment.

To Blow the Headliner off the stage.
(This spell was devised by the powerful witch doctor John)

Call your agent and compliment him on his hard work! Under your breathe whisper “Dr. John take ten extra percent!” DO not let the agent hear this! As he will think you mean him! Ask your agent to open for a girl comic or me. (If they say, you can open for Jake Johansen, Rupaul, or Maria Bamford you did something wrong in the first step, you will not blow these people off the stage or they are not who you requested.) After your agent confirms the booking, you need to then write out a list of the major bits of the comic you are opening for (just email me if you need mine). Take this list and the blood of a blue hen, write out cursed jokes that only use the premise of each joke in the hens ink. Now chant these almost jokes to the heavens while dancing counter clockwise around the headshot of the headliner. Light a candle, and look at the light, and pray aloud “Doctor John, help me ignore the light!” and continue to chant the premise killers. On the night of the show, just before Showtime mention how much you like them and love their comedy even though the manager doesn’t seem to. After successfully completing this spell do not forget to send Doctor John 10 percent of your pay! You do this by putting cash in an envelope and writing Dave Becky’s address on it at Three Arts and putting on proper postage and placing it in the mail.

To Get Laid After The Show.

Marie Laveau was both feared and admired for the power of her spells throughout the Caribbean and the southern US, this spell calls on her help. You will need a fresh pigs intestine (large not small!) from a very, very funny pig. As well you need two large blue and green candles, a cup of jasmine, vanilla and burnt cheese mixed together, a picture of the green room, or your hotel room that you will be staying in that night, one case of Canadian beer, the keys to a new Porsche, a famous but married friend, a brand new waitress who likes to drink and just graduated from a southern university, a surprisingly strong set, and weed. Place the candles alight on top of the picture, mix together the contents of the cup and half a Canadian beer, chill the rest of the beer immediately to a very cold but not frozen temperature. Fill the large intestine with the contents and ask Marie to get you some strange tonight. When the intestine is full seal its ends with the wax, and tie it off. Slip it into the front of your pants while saying, “I know they tell me women don’t care about size, but Marie Laveau you know that it sure doesn’t hurt!” Spit once on the floor. DO a strong set that night and after the show accidentally drop the Porsche keys on the floor next to the new waitress while your hands are full. Ask her to put them in your front pocket! Next have your famous friend come up and tell you how great you did in front of her, but make sure he goes back quickly to his wife. Look at the new waitress and see if she would like to smoke some weed in your room later. WARNING; keep the waitress away from bitter club managers as they are a talisman against this spell!

Spells for the crowd;

To make a comic end his set early.
Find an old paycheck of the comic you would like to get off stage, get yourself a mocking laugh, a cat(any color), and air horn, 8 long island ice teas, a bachelorette party, three “get’er done hats with fish hooks”, a table up front, and a cell phone. Before the show cry out to the heavens and ask for the gift of tongues from the lizard and frog. Then call your mom, and all your siblings and scream help on the phone then hang up quickly. Make sure phone is set to ring! Order the round of Long Islands for the bachelorette party before the comics set. Burn his check in the tables candle and release the cat as he starts his opening bit. Every ten seconds get your friends to blow the air horn while wearing the hats, and then pass the horn to the bachelorette party, never answer the ringing phone! This will almost always make the comic end his set early, if it does not then somehow you have attempted this at a club that actually polices the crowd, which is almost impossible.

To sleep with the comic.

Ask him. If it is a female comic however you will need to cast two of three other spells first( see comic spells for, ‘To become a female lesbian’ ‘To become a Comic who can help other comics’ or ‘To become a member of a Band who looks good but never gets famous’).

I will update my voodoo for comedy spells on a regular basis, so check back if you need a little black magic to go with your comedy. Also feel free to write me with spells of your own, and join my mailing list! Or you will find a Carrot Top doll(handmade as to avoid any copyright issues, wise voodoo tip) with three black strings tied on its neck and a lightening rod up its ass near the top of your chimney, and you really don’t want that. blog@petejohansson.com

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Long Distance information give me Memphis, TN
I'm tryin to get a number of someone who was tryin to get a hold of me.
Marie is only six years old, information please!
This song is kinda what is wrong in Memphis TN.

See the guy should out of the gate mention that he is talkin about a 6 year old, the fact that he doesn't until the end makes him sound very creepy...

I liked memphis, but there was an undertone of creepy. But a cool creepy? Does that make sense? Like guys will tell you a really homophobic joke, but hold your hand way to long while they tell it... You know? Or somebody will talk to you about jesus while licking and twisting their nipple, you know?? All justa little cool, and a little creepy...

I had a cool show, it was in a hotel conference room, the setup was great. The crowd was a little sparse...but soo nice.
The psychology was definately positive, but the carry energy after the jokes was a little week. This had to do with the overall energy of the night.
They really liked being taken on stories which was fun, but I realized that I have a new bit that is far too strong to keep in the middle of my, act and need to move to the end.
That is strange when something gets so funny that it is hard to follow in your own act... sure I'm used to that problem from other comics acts, but when i can't follow me well who then do I bitch about in chat rooms?

After the show I regretted not having any cd's to sell (I'm the only act left in North America who doesn't sell cd's, in fact everyday people are starting to do it, the other day a guy in a bar told me a horrible joke about acne and priests then offered to sell me his cd which he was marking down from 15 to 10 dollars cause he loved my laugh) I mean I sold out of my hats a while ago, but the profit margin was a little too low with those and really, it in no way made people remember me, I had no branding for myself on my own hat. I coulda sould insurance with more relevance, argh I'm an idiot.

I really enjoyed the crowd, and I got compliments for days, I kinda need that as I am still recovering from Alabama...
I met a really cute girl after the show, unfortunately she is dating this guy, she actually just got engaged. She was soo cool, I really liked her, of course I couldn't make a move, but she did provide a great deal of hope for me that their were very cool girls out there with pierced nipples, progressive ideals, and a strong sense of self , now I just need to find another one.
By the way, If you tell someone, you have something peirced, you should have to show it... thats the rule. She did not, and it was kinda neat.

Anyways I drove to Atlanta with plans on going out but I decided to just sleep, as I needed it.
Heading back to Wilmington, I have put 3000 miles on my car this last week... I think thats pretty freakin crazy.

Memphis needs more churches!!
Ciao

Thursday, May 12, 2005

A ghost! I met a ghost!

Well, at least the nearest equivilent, the rarest sighting you can ever come accross in the world... A very hot girl, who loves... loves I say, and cover your ears if you can't handle the next part but... anal.

Oh my god! It's true! They exist, it's not just a myth manufactured by Hustler, and various mens magazines, they truely are out there friends.

First off let me tell you how much I love Louisiana. I just spent another fantastic couple of days down in the big easy, then again in a smaller town called Houma. The people down there are just about the nicest, most relaxed group I have ever met in my life. And the girls are as sweet as their tea, and as easy as their high school readin tests.

I did a show that was soo much fun, we played around for at least an hour and a bit up on stage, it was a real interactive process as I had quite a few chit chatters, but damn, they was fun! And afterwards this dark haired siren sauntered up to me with a mischivious grin and said, she sure did enjoy my act, and just as casually said, "and I love it in the ass."
Well, young lady, I said, "I have never heard such inappropriate talk in all my years!" I was flustered, but I thought the only way to punish this outrageous behavior is much like my father when he caught me smoking, he sat me down and made me smoke the entire ounce... Soo following that logic I felt this young lady was deserved of a night full of... well you get the picture.

Here's a side note, don't call your ex-fiance as soon as you are all done to tell her about it. She really doesn't want to hear about it:) But then again, it's kinda fun to let her know. Of course I think I would hate to hear about it, if the tables were reversed...or maybe I wouldn't, hmmm.

I think I need to buy a place in Louisiana, I was looking at land prices, and you can get a three bedroom, two bath house on 34 acres for about 75 dollars, but thats over priced in the summer.

But back to finding a young girl who loves the exploits of the darker entrance... this is a rarity, and ver much an uncommon activity on a first date. Almost exclusively this is something that will end a first date with the kind of ending that will prevent not just a second date but another date with any other girl in the same town. It is excedingly unpopular, which by the way, is why guys like it, because it is soo uncommon. It sure isn't cause it's better sex, cause it ain't. It's just cause wow, hey, thats dirty! And wrong, and sinful, and what the hell did your daddy do to you?

I was actually a little intimidated, as I was not all that experianced in providing such a service, but the remarkable indelicacy of the event added to it's surprisingly quick finish, ... ooops. But with no shame as this was something thoroughly exciting and new, so I can't beat myself up about it. Anyways... I love my job sometimes.
And next time I have a bad show, I'm gonna remember why I do comedy, its cause I get to meet incredibly hot girls who tell me they like it up the ass, and I am a man who likes to bring joy....

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Back on the horse...

Had a kick ass set in Raleigh, NC. Thats right, I don't suck! I rock, I had an off night. Whew. I swear until you step back on the stage, and do well again, it is freakin hard not to think that you will suck forever after a bomb.

So I drove 850 miles yesterday, raleigh to New Orleans, I challenge any and all others to that feet. I gotta show tonight here in Louisiana, I have played this gig before so hopefully I will do well again, as I killed last time.

I love activist judges, why? Cause they have provided days of entertaining pannicy (sp?) commentary from the religious right on the thousands of christian radio stations that dot the south... Wow it really has them screaming. I personally don't care, either way but I respect passion, and this issue has alot of people who will never ever be affected by this isssue upset. Always put three s's in isssue.

You are supposed to give thase street performers a dollar to make them move, but few people know that you can also make them move by taking a dollar. hmmm ??? classic... thats old school guffaw writing, I still got it baby.
I am travelling right now with a friend of mine who is having her period. Man, if you know it makes you nuts, why don't you just tape a card on the dash in front of you and stare at the words, "whatever I'm feeling it's cause I'm having my period and I'm crazy, so shhhhh"
It's like drinking, you gotta kinda forgive them for their actions and what they say caus etheir drunk on estrogen, but it's still hard to be around...

Ciao, I know I'm gonna get shit for what I just wrote, but the shit I get is due to the bleeding....

Sunday, May 08, 2005

I faced what all comics face at one time or another in their career, the bad show. I have seen my favorite comics in the world bomb, Brian Reagan in front of fifteen hundred people in Montreal, Rob Schneider melted down in the best room in the west at the Tempe Improv, and Mitch Hedberg who I miss and adore walked more people than the japanese on the Bataan trail.(wicked reference)
And now me... Although not as good a comic as them I stunk it up the other night in Birmingham. Wow, I was off key, I was fighting a flu bug from which I have now been in bed for three days fighting, but really is that an excuse for just missing the beats? I watched the first two acts do fantastic, and really the only thing I had to do to even coast out the show was to be likeable, but somehow couldn't even pull that off, it was like losing all your feathers midflight.
Here I analyze it step by step.

Pre-show;
I feel pretty out of it, I just finished an eight hour drive, and had two hours of sleep. I feel crappy, but I've done shows where I feel crappy before and pulled it off. The other two comics are distinctly unwelcoming(something that always fucks with my head) but they exchange the limited greetings and such. They both seem to have way more energy than I can muster.. First bad sign...The next bad sign is the big one that says the date... cinquo de Mayo... Which loosely translated means 'hack premise', and also wow the crowd is gonna be drinking hard, not always a bad thing though...
Show Time;
Show starts and I go to the back of the club to watch the first act, he is very good, I like his presence a lot, but the sound is really weird, either my ears are plugged or it seems really hard to hear his words... Plus he is a real baritone so maybe it's the range I let it go, looks like a fun crowd.
The second act is a waifish guy with a really funny accent even though he's from Maryland. It's a super high pitched nasal twang- That seems to resonate around the microphone, but the sound still seems bad, weird maybe it's my ears? He does about five topics a minute in his comedy stylings, with a real "one of us" southern take on things, and he kills. Strong act, crowd seems happy. I put on a suit jacket... (mistake!), I grab a coffee to walk out on stage with(mistake!). So The MC announces me, and I walk out on stage, it's pretty loud before I get to the mic, lots of talking but that's ok they're having a good time. I start into my opener and the sound fluctuates on the mic or the monitor and I get that distinct feeling that my mic is dead, I pause and ask if the sound went out but nobody really answers... (not good! Losing momentum)... I drop character(horrible mistake, cause now I just completely changed my accent to Canadian for no good reason) and I push through my opener, which gets a good laugh, but certainly not the cannon ball it always delivers. I get set to roll that into my opening three, but a drunk girl is standing at my feet on the stage, she is really hot in a short dress, and she is tapping on the stage with something, not easy to ignore... I address her politely as possible and find out what she wants, seems she found a ring in the bathroom and is trying to give it to me... I take the ring and miss about twenty five jokes(cause I'm sick! And the sudafed slowed my brain!) about being proposed to right out of the gate.... Anyways I continue, and before I even get started into my first joke another girl yells from the back of the room that the ring is hers and she walks down(count out thirty five seconds) to get it... All this has taken up the entire opening "Trust building" three minutes of ones routine.
It is the most dangerous part of an act to fuck with because it's when a comic establishes the trust with the audience that he is funny. If you effectively establish that trust in the first three minutes, the crowd will give you leeway to set up longer jokes, and be interested in your character throughout the show. Without that trust... You are pretty fucked. You have to shorten your jokes to get to the funny faster, you need to oversell the story you have to tell to get them to vest in your character, it truly sucks for the rest of the show.
It's like having someone you already know is good at fixing your car, fix it again, you don't worry about it, you don't second guess him, you don't ask for the parts back to inspect, but if it's someone new all things are suspect... That is why it is sooo important to be funny out of the gate, that is why being heckled out of the gate can be devastating if you are not quick, or spectacular if you are quick.
So the show continues, I start to vest myself into character jokes, but I find myself parsing bits to get to the biggest payoffs faster than I should have. In a clearer mind I might have gone quieter for a minute and faced the fear of the crowd early to manipulate their attention back on me, but then that other big risk is if a crowd is too drunk they can't follow that path. SO Maybe I did what I should have? That will be something I will wonder about. The crowd was very ethnically divided. The right side of the room was white and young, the left side was older and black. While the older black side was quieter (both in talking and in laughing) they seemed far more distant, which makes sense as black crowds tend to judge a comic in the first minute of their act(see any black comedy show...You hit it hard out of the gate to command attention, Norm McDonald, Mitch Hedberg, Jerry Seinfeld... Not big bang openers, not real popular in black clubs...) I felt bad about this, as I really enjoy diverse crowds, and I hated losing that part of the room so fast. Now the ultra drunk white kids were no picnic either, they shouted out stuff all night... But I couldn't hear a damn word they said! Now I think that's when it started to dawn on me, that maybe, just maybe it's my ears and not the room that the problem is with, as I think I couldn't hear do to the fact that my throat was infected... But that doesn't help when your only reply to shouts is, "what?" " I'm sorry I couldn't hear that?" ...Funny so far huh?
Jesus, it was a nightmare, I actually had some ok laughs in the first ten to fifteen minutes, but only with the right side of the room. Then about twenty minutes in a huge table of about twenty black patrons got up and left... Damn.. You couldn't ignore that... Even though I tried my hardest, my heart freakin sank. They just left. The room saw it, I saw it, oh and I'm pretty sure management saw it... Wow, this is not good Pete, mayday mayday...
Go blue my brain said... Blue fixes everything...
Hmmm. What a dilemma, but they did seam rowdy, so I started into some of my bluer material, and it did work great with one section, about fifty people loved it, and they of course were the hard drinkers in the crowd, and somewhat rowdier portion, but knowing I had them did help, cause at least somebody liked me, but this was a bad error on another level, cause it alienated most of the older white crowd, and the rest of the black audience, and guess what? It walked them.
It was the longest forty five minutes of my life. I saw the light, and I couldn't end quickly enough. I probably walked 45 people. I mean some people liked me, but by no means as much as they liked the other acts. I painted on the biggest smile I could, and tried to end professionally thanked them for coming down, and said goodnight.

There is a horrible empty feeling when you bomb. Sometimes you really have to taste the blood to realize it. Your ego and self esteem battle tooth and nail with each other, tryin to tell placating lies that friends would say... like, It wasn't so bad.. and maybe you didn't hear it right, or you're being to hard on yourself...
But sometimes all the negative voices are right. And boy is that a tough and scary moment. When you are afraid to leave the green room, when you can't make eye contact with the staff or the guy paying you. When words are short and everybody needs to do something right away, which is funny cause when you kill, they all have time to hang out.
You are never more alone, and there is no-one to blame but yourself, and you rack your brain trying to reassemble the crash, where, why, when, how... it just kills you.
Sitting sick in that hotel room, which I didn't deserve, I did everything I could to keep from breaking down. I called my ex. She talked me through it, pretty good. It's hard to remember the thousands of good shows, when you just finished the worst. But she took me on a walk of my accomplishments, and reminded me that I am funny, but like every human being alive, somedays you just fail. And as a comic, you can't call in sick. You can't get a temp agency to cover for you, you just gotta try and get the job done, sometimes it works, but this time it didn't.
I decided to drive all the way home the next day. 8 hrs. I was gonna stop and do shows in Atlanta and Raleigh but I felt too sick. I got an email while I was driving, from the booker. It was my worst fear, it asked "What Happened?" with five question marks, and the email contained a clip from the club that said I sucked and walked the crowd.
I just started working for this booker, and from all accounts he is a great guy. I was so scared he was gonna cancel all my work with him, but I didn't pass the buck, I told him it was my fault, and why. I hope that my reputation can hold me up, but I also have to accept the fact that there is little I can do. And just look forward and learn as much from it as possible, and also to remember, but not dwell. That is a big one. Remember but not dwell. Remember that it happened, remember that it felt horrible, but don't ever let it cloud future shows, don't let it win when defining yourself as a comic. I think maybe surviving a horrible bomb is what defines certain level of success in comedy.
Had Norm, or Mitch or Brian let their bombs win, they would never be who they are. And it is amazing, cause they were devastating shows, but they still knew they were better than the individual performance, they were on the whole amazing, and could not be defined so simply.
Anyways I would love to hear any thoughts on this from either comics, or audience members. Feel free to email me at blog@petejohansson.com .

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I awoke stressed. I have to do a show tomorrow in Birmingham Alabama, I know it will be fun, and I've done thousands of performances, but for some reason when I get in really good shape physically I worry if I am as funny as I would be if I was fat.

When I was, oh lets say a few pounds more rotund than present, I had a jolly quality on stage, an everyman that guy's liked and weren't threatened by, and girls liked but wouldn't consider sex with. But as I have slowly chiseled my features and attained more of a Greek godlike physique... Okay more of a middle Asiatic god, not quite Buddha but also not quite Thor either so lets just say I resemble a god who has been going to the gym diligently for about six months and been eating fairly right. But we all see what happens when funny guys get more attractive in a physical way, they become far less humorous. This is for two reasons and they both are due to male machismo. Guys do not want to laugh at anyone who is a physical or sexual threat to their status, unless it is in complete suck up situations(see your boss). I think it goes back to wolves and when they do comedy, the wolf that is always dominant never has to tell jokes he just eats caribou, looks up and laughs as a favor to the fatter somewhat awkward wolf who comes from a disfunctional pack, and maybe shares a little gristle with them as a reward... And on top of this no guy wants his date to laugh at a guy better lookin than he is, cause we are crazy insecure wolves... You know who has it the worst though... Sexy women who try to do stand up. They have to be absolute warriors against biology. As men cannot turn off the biological imperative to desire sexually a hot girl, and when we do we turn into parrot mode for comprehension of what they say, we merely mimic the surface intent of any conversation, as the 90% bulk of our brain matter is fantasizing. And women don't like sexy women performing, cause you simply hate each other. So at least I'm not a chick.

By the way, I don't think I'm hot or anything, just merely more attractive than I have been for a while, I'm a long way from my beauty ever being a distraction for others, but it's nice to daydream about a concern that I may never have... I think next I'll worry about how to clean up that awful money spill in my backyard. Maybe I should just burn it, cause there is so much and it's getting everywhere...

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Two Years!

My liver is celebrating, and I guess my lungs, and probably my conscience....Today marks my two year anniversary of quitting smoking and drinking. I am gonna celebrate with a big sweet vial of heroin. As if!-(said like an eighth grade girl). No this does represent one of my more proud accomplishments in this life, as alcohol once defined my being and I have let it slip away and actually become more me than I ever was ??? Sounds confusing it ain't.
Anyways its cool, I am really comfortable with the not drinking, and actually enjoy being around people who do drink, although not to the point of irrationality, which I dislike sober or stoned. It is amazing the weird things that happen when you sober up, you are left alone with all those horrible feelings that you had been quieting with the sweet bad things go bye bye juice you were swilling. And no more alzheimer like clearing away of ones conscience for bad things, you gotta either own em of apologize. I never used any particular program to quit, I just quit. But I did go to a few meetings here an there and used a therapist, it isn't for everyone. But I do recommend it if you have other underlining issues like incredible guilt for no good reason, or really poor self esteem, cause both of those are gonna get worse for the ware. But if you are a girl and booze is the only way you feel comfy walking around nude, or hooking up with me, I would say there is no need to quit just yet:) As if-(same tone, a little more reprimanding).
In a moment of honesty, a lot of people made my sobriety difficult, and constantly tried to get me to drink again, which when you think about it is pretty fucked up. But I think this is common, cause people love to pidgeon hole and hate it when others change, cause it just highlights the fact that they are unwilling to. So, to them I say thank you for testing my resolve, and you helped me become stronger and better at this. I am having fun, going out, partying, living it up all sober, even meeting cute girls, and doing scary things. Not the funniest post today, but certainly a proud one. All the best to anyone thinking about doing it, it's harder than a penis piercing, but ultimately more satisfying (to you and your partner, unless of course your partner leaves you as was my case, but we are better friends than lovers anyways).
Ciao

Monday, May 02, 2005

Monday, monday... so good to see, la la , la,la , la la...

I awake to many new things, I sadly see that Mr Schwartzeneggers popularity is plummeting in California. This both surprises me, and doesn't really interest me all at the same time. I am not affiliated nor do I support either ridiculously unrepresentative political party, but I thought for pure entertainment purposes that our Austrian friend would be somewhat Teflon to the publics teetering waves of interest.

Since I am an american political apathy proponent, I see no harm in electing an all entertainment governing body, and to lead off with such a larger than life character is A OK with this non-voter. As long as it doesn't ever interfere with the corporate agenda, that puts companies ahead of people and keeps wealth and power in the hands of the elite 1% I am happy.
Here's a little aside to other comics, or writers out there, I find it amazing and I'm sure you do to, how everyone assumes they are interesting enough to enter our jokes, or stories. How often are we assaulted by the most mundane (usually drunk, or retarded) person saying "this is gonna end up in your act isn't it?". How do people see themselves? Does their personal view jump off the screen like an action film when they see themselves waking up and going to work every morning? Do they see a raucous comedy when they slip an innuendo about sex while preparing sausages? Who do we blame for this disparity from reality and general existence... I blame bad TV. Because it has made everyone think they are truly an undiscovered star, when in fact only Tina Dupuy and myself are. (and 13 other individuals named by the supreme council of the Illuminati, that must remain secret until the death of the lost prince at the hands of the jackal thief.)

It's May! The month to ponder socialist agendas! I propose that we socialize creativity, that way we can all take credit in the genesis of creation that Hollywood is giving us. After all we give the bad ideas strength by tuning in, why not give us a piece of the pie? Just a thought, cause I feel we should get a check for watching american Idol, not the other way around. In fact here is a list of shows we should be paid to watch;

American Idol $$
Riding The Bus with my sister $$$$
Hannity & Colmes $$
Yes Dear $$$
Road Rules $
King of Queens $$
The George Lopez thing $$$
Entertainment Tonight $$
Extra $$$
Wheel of Fortune $
All new Kids Cartoons $$$
The L Word $
Family Business$$ (only $ if they are particularily naked)
Simple Life $$$$
Dr. Phil $$$$$
Local evening news $$$
Carson Daley $$
Newsnight with Aaron Brown $$
Michael Jackson Coverage $$$
Presidential Press Conferences $$ (that are completely pointless, as the last few)
Golf on TV $$$
Any coverage of someone who is famous that has either kicked something, found out something, or going through something $$$$$
All cable channels (with the exception of Nat Geographic, two shows on Food Channel, and the hardcore porn channels) $

What I should be paid scale -
$ merely reimbursed the minimum wage for time watched (currently, 4.65 an hour)
$$ Minimum wage plus suspension of disbelief bonus of 25 dollars an hour.
$$$ Retardation required fee, 100 per hour for the drugs and pills required to entertain ideas presented.
$$$$ Life completely wasted tariff, 1K per hr, Valuable moments in ones existence never to be returned.
$$$$$ Animosity insurance of 10,022 bucks per 1/2 hr episode. This fee is to reduce the need to stalk and destroy the source of brain pain...

I would pay to see;
Frontline, Deadwood, Bella does anyone, and Old Family Guys, (jury is still out on the new ones, considering how much I hated American Dad), and a couple of other shows that are on probation.

Much luv crumpets...

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I am sooo lazy!
I have had alot of great opportunity to work friends, great inspiration, great ideas, but no ... why?
I dunno, I enjoy writing, I enjoy creating but of late I really enjoy laying dowwn and watching TV. Is that soo wrong?
I went to Myrtle Beach for the first time the other day, it's like a second rate Reno without the gambling or the class. I met alot of people who disliked words like, "hello" and "I like your tooth", all and all the ladies of the south continue on their friendly streak... however I am left wondering about my interests in the girls I have met here in Wilmington. They are starting to show some of the reasons they are single... drinky, drinky, drinky...And there is a real need to not appear easy down here when by all I can detect they are, it's kinda like the duality of it being the bible belt, but with an incredibly high teen pregnancy problem. (little known fact, if a drunk girl tells you she is very christian, you're getting laid.) There is an ongoing battle here for how to determine social morals, and religious beliefs.
It seams there has never been a lecture on the differences between ethics and morality... or that of faith and law, but even at greater issue is this need for hypocracy. It's like they cornered the market on it, and its funny. They all go to church, but they really don't. They all try to be nice to each others face, but they aren't really all that nice. It's weird, all this effort to maintain false appearances, it's kinda like the south is like being back in High School. The sex is very similar, and the weird social interactions are priceless, but after a while I start thinking about my fictional girlfriend away at college up north.

Spelling is over rated.

Oh one last thought...Riding the bus with my sister???

Seriously...Riding the bus with my sister???? What the fuck???

Seriously though....Riding the bus with my sister???

Who?? Why did they???? What did they????

I mean...Riding the bus with my sister????

??

?

????......Riding the bus with my sister???....



Riding the bus with my sister!!!???



CBS?


No Desperate houswives..lets program Riding the bus with my sister.


Riding the bus with my sister?

Pete!
Copyright Pete Johansson
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