Huntsville Alabama... My peace is made with the state that destroyed my ego...(my odometer reads mile 35302, on a one and a half year old VW Passat)

With fragile hands, and a little fake it till you make it bravado, I paced the back of the one nighter in Huntsville Alabama. Another 600 clicks on my rapidly depreciating Passat and I am back in the state that I associate with the burning pain of failure. I bombed in Birmingham a couple weeks ago like I have never bombed in five years.... So understandably I was nervous.

But I also approached this as a lover who got another chance to please a woman, who reluctantly opens her bed to him again, after the first encounter she was so unsatisfied she mocked his manhood and got up and left in the middle of the sex to call her friends and say how bad you were... That's kinda what it feels like to try again to be funny in Alabama.

I watched the first act Will something, man that guy is funny. Hold on I'll look his name up on my phone...It's Will Hardesty. Freakin amazing undiscovered character actor and performer in Louisville KY, somebody could make alot of money off that guy. Anyways, brilliant act, and not in the way that it can't be followed... his act literally trains an audience to pay attention to jokes, therefore making the headliner look great, that must actually suck for him... cause he is by far the better comic than I bet almost everyone he opens for...and that is not just my low Canadian self esteem talking. Anyways, I got up there and it just started to click, they loved my opener, they dug my rifs, and they paid attention without talking... they just laughed their asses off.... Thank you Jesus! I needed that...

Again I was confronted with the fact that I have nothing to sell, I was asked about twenty times if I had a CD and of course... nope, that would be smart and profitable. Say it out loud with me "spend money to make money!"

Alright now back onto a tale of two types of Southern Girls....

I have only a few days left for sex. As most of you readers know I am on a countdown clock to next Monday when I will be getting a certain piercing that will put me off the market for four weeks. Anyways, I rocked in Huntsville, the best show they ever had, and that was from pretty much everyone, so great environment to get laid... Right? Nope, not with the southern girl syndrome.
ALL SOUTHERN GIRLS ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS FROM AGE 20 TO 29, when they get divorced.

I am not kidding, every girl...100% because I asked all of them, were in a relationship. ALL OF THEM. NOT ONE SINGLE GIRL. WHAT THE FUCK?

Does any girl in the south ever say no to marriage? Seriously maybe be a little discerning. They are hot, but why do they all settle down with the first freaking dude that asks them to marry? I don't get it.

And I am not a house wrecker, I cannot cheat with a chick unless of course she doesn't tell me till afterwards, then I got no problem. Anyways, there are two types of girls in Alabama, first there are the really hot girls who are engaged or married.




The two types of Girls you'll meet in Alabama....The good girls...
Copyright Pete Johansson

That is a pic of them above.. these are good girls. Husbands and boyfriends in Iraq, patriotic, honest, sweet, and of course taken. And probably taken from their teens, I would bet these girls have never been single for more than a day. They might turn out OK as they are engaged to officers and not grunts, but nonetheless too young to get married. Oh and nice, damn they were nice. When I go to Iraq I'm gonna find their significant others and let them know, how freakin lucky they are... But these are not my type of girl anyways... These are my brothers type of girl.

I am a little more deviant, I like the way a woman's breathe can smell of danger. I like worrying about my wallet when I fall asleep next to someone. So let me introduce...


And the bad girls...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Hmmm... Part time stripper, full time pool hustler, likes the sweet, sweet taste of the devils liquor, and I would bet could sniff a whole bag of pixie dust and smoke whatever is left over in a pipe...She is my speed of girl.... And boy I think speed does play into why she is so unique. I never got her name, cause I couldn't quite understand it... But she was quite the catch in a bar full of girls who tucked away any faults and flaws she wore an open toe shoe without a pedicure.
She was not the type to attend a comedy show, she stumbled in afterward, with a pool cue looking for someone to play at 20 bucks a game. Her stride was that of a con girl with a deadline to lose her thumbs, on target, and although she took in the distractions that befell her she quickly remembered it was money that has kept her running since she realized she first owed somebody back when she was too young to run up debts.

I smelled trouble and immediately got hard. Her stare rested on your eyes, waiting... waiting for you to pick out her hard nipples poking through her top, that would be her signal to play you, that's when she knew the game was afoot. They poked hard and youthful creating obscene bookends for a golden cross a little to gaudy for the pious, but just enough for the mirrors reflection to ad an ironic glint to an athletic cleavage.
We toyed with our words. She tested my mark qualities...'buy me a drink.' .. 'no'. 'I'm a dancer"..."so." It was a battle for interest. "I'm a comic"...'whatever'. ... 'You like to fuck?' ... Yeah. That's too bad I don't have enough time to hide all my valuables, otherwise I'd fuck you...

And there I left my dirty princess, slipping her hand inside a guys pocket by a pool table, looking over her shoulder and making eye contact with me, like it was the first time, cause she already forgot our first interaction...

Off to Louisville, KY.