Comedy is Voodoo, Voodoo is Comedy.

Papa Ledgbae was the fire bearded warlock of old whom Voodoo priestesses called upon for power by soaking their naked bodies with rum... Sound familiar comics? Yeah baby, I been casting spells for years and didn’t even know it!
I did a little research while I was down in the Big Easy last trip and became fascinated with the history of Voodoo and all the well known spells that they have.

For Instance, if you want an immediate proposal for marriage (why I don't know) you would tie a rooster under the desired persons porch and then have them sit over top in a rocking chair while you sit next to them...

I want to caution you however, that as Louisiana is a 'Red' state, by no means is this to be used for gay marriage proposals! That would be wrong! Also, from what I know of gay culture, you want to tie that cock in your lap for immediate proposal... Ahh this voodoo humor writes itself.

Back to spells, this rooster spell was long before we discovered we could hypnotize women with shiny clear worthless stones known as diamonds, but priestesses probably found it to disconcerting to have small children die in mines to make jewelry, when you could just kill a chicken. My how we've evolved.

To get rid of a neighbor, kill a black chicken and throw it over his house. Wow chickens really take the brunt, in black magic. And why does it have to be a black chicken? This seems like an awful lot of black on black chicken crime. However I wonder how hard it is to throw a dead chicken, (ps another comedy crossover! think about the classic dead chicken gag, tell me voodoo and stand up aren't married together in hell.) I mean some houses are pretty big, I doubt I could clear the distance, and would getting the chicken only half way cause the neighbors to only hint at moving...

To make a love powder...Gut a live hummingbird, dry its heart and powder it. Sprinkle the powder on the person you desire. OK, or try maybe losing a little weight, working out, smile more and be engaging in conversation, get a haircut, buy a nice shirt, brush your teeth, keep good hygiene, be respectful and polite while still having an edge of danger and surprise, yet be stable financially... wait I guess gutting a hummingbird is a little easier.

Now below I have created some powerful spells for comics and crowds alike. WARNING! These are spells, and when you play with black magic you let the devil into your house for a day. Now, if you have a one bedroom apartment this could suck as the devil is up late a night and he doesn't care if the TV is too loud when he watches it, also he will wear your clothes, make no doubt about it, your favorite shirt will get a devilish stain, which you probably won't get out.

VOODOO for Comics.

To get a booking in a club that hasn't watched your tape.
Take a teaspoon of dried mandrake root, a chicken bone from the booker's last meal, five hairs from a contestant on last comic standing(for fastest effect make it Todd Glass but be careful he is losing hairs fast.), and write 'Papa Ledgbae please give me a door deal!' on the dried skin of a rat. Light a red candle and heat the skin of the rat over it, while drinking rum and facing north, call out to Papa with your opening bit. Make sure you pause at the end of the bit to let Papa laugh, or if the bit is not strong enough to open with steal one of Attels bits. DO not try to open with a weak bit, as Papa will curse the booking and you will never get a laugh(see Bombing in Birmingham in Archives)... Burn the Mandrake in the candle and place the hairs on the skin, folding the skin to a pouch and sewing it closed. Rub the pouch all over your headshot and tape, and then send to the proposed booker in an envelope from Dave Becky at Three Arts Entertainment.

To Blow the Headliner off the stage.
(This spell was devised by the powerful witch doctor John)

Call your agent and compliment him on his hard work! Under your breathe whisper “Dr. John take ten extra percent!” DO not let the agent hear this! As he will think you mean him! Ask your agent to open for a girl comic or me. (If they say, you can open for Jake Johansen, Rupaul, or Maria Bamford you did something wrong in the first step, you will not blow these people off the stage or they are not who you requested.) After your agent confirms the booking, you need to then write out a list of the major bits of the comic you are opening for (just email me if you need mine). Take this list and the blood of a blue hen, write out cursed jokes that only use the premise of each joke in the hens ink. Now chant these almost jokes to the heavens while dancing counter clockwise around the headshot of the headliner. Light a candle, and look at the light, and pray aloud “Doctor John, help me ignore the light!” and continue to chant the premise killers. On the night of the show, just before Showtime mention how much you like them and love their comedy even though the manager doesn’t seem to. After successfully completing this spell do not forget to send Doctor John 10 percent of your pay! You do this by putting cash in an envelope and writing Dave Becky’s address on it at Three Arts and putting on proper postage and placing it in the mail.

To Get Laid After The Show.

Marie Laveau was both feared and admired for the power of her spells throughout the Caribbean and the southern US, this spell calls on her help. You will need a fresh pigs intestine (large not small!) from a very, very funny pig. As well you need two large blue and green candles, a cup of jasmine, vanilla and burnt cheese mixed together, a picture of the green room, or your hotel room that you will be staying in that night, one case of Canadian beer, the keys to a new Porsche, a famous but married friend, a brand new waitress who likes to drink and just graduated from a southern university, a surprisingly strong set, and weed. Place the candles alight on top of the picture, mix together the contents of the cup and half a Canadian beer, chill the rest of the beer immediately to a very cold but not frozen temperature. Fill the large intestine with the contents and ask Marie to get you some strange tonight. When the intestine is full seal its ends with the wax, and tie it off. Slip it into the front of your pants while saying, “I know they tell me women don’t care about size, but Marie Laveau you know that it sure doesn’t hurt!” Spit once on the floor. DO a strong set that night and after the show accidentally drop the Porsche keys on the floor next to the new waitress while your hands are full. Ask her to put them in your front pocket! Next have your famous friend come up and tell you how great you did in front of her, but make sure he goes back quickly to his wife. Look at the new waitress and see if she would like to smoke some weed in your room later. WARNING; keep the waitress away from bitter club managers as they are a talisman against this spell!

Spells for the crowd;

To make a comic end his set early.
Find an old paycheck of the comic you would like to get off stage, get yourself a mocking laugh, a cat(any color), and air horn, 8 long island ice teas, a bachelorette party, three “get’er done hats with fish hooks”, a table up front, and a cell phone. Before the show cry out to the heavens and ask for the gift of tongues from the lizard and frog. Then call your mom, and all your siblings and scream help on the phone then hang up quickly. Make sure phone is set to ring! Order the round of Long Islands for the bachelorette party before the comics set. Burn his check in the tables candle and release the cat as he starts his opening bit. Every ten seconds get your friends to blow the air horn while wearing the hats, and then pass the horn to the bachelorette party, never answer the ringing phone! This will almost always make the comic end his set early, if it does not then somehow you have attempted this at a club that actually polices the crowd, which is almost impossible.

To sleep with the comic.

Ask him. If it is a female comic however you will need to cast two of three other spells first( see comic spells for, ‘To become a female lesbian’ ‘To become a Comic who can help other comics’ or ‘To become a member of a Band who looks good but never gets famous’).

I will update my voodoo for comedy spells on a regular basis, so check back if you need a little black magic to go with your comedy. Also feel free to write me with spells of your own, and join my mailing list! Or you will find a Carrot Top doll(handmade as to avoid any copyright issues, wise voodoo tip) with three black strings tied on its neck and a lightening rod up its ass near the top of your chimney, and you really don’t want that. blog@petejohansson.com