The dilemma of home.

Canada, is my ultimate paradox.

I have never loved a country more, yet never felt so much rejection from one place either.

I spent my entire childhood, growing up in small town BC. I have always identified with being Canadian since my earliest memories. Yet I was born in the USA. I am a border baby. A child born from two Canadian parents in the US. And due to that am an American citizen. But was also a Canadian citizen as well... until I turned 28.

Then in one of the weirdest laws of any country anywhere on earth, i lost my Canadian Citizenship. I can't think of any western civilized country that does that. And so i lost my links to my heritage, my siblings, my parents. It was an awful blow, being told you were not what you had always thought you were. 

So I have spent the last five years, trying to regain it, and have finally completed the process. Background checks, fingerprints, taking my citizenship test, spending hundreds of dollars. Having to watch how much time I travel, even though it is my source of income to balance my residency requirements. And now all that is left is taking an oath, and I will have it back.  And now ironically i don't have to...

They just passed a law that takes effect April 17th to re-instate the citizenship of the thousands of people who are in a similar situation to myself to give us back our citizenship. It is a bittersweet correction to an awful, awful situation. There was nothing worse than being grilled at the border for years about my right to visit, or live here. Being made to feel like an outsider in the only country i have ever known. The country that I speak with pride about on my global travels. Now I get to carry my homes passport again, and its nice. But i wish it felt like home again.

I think I have been wounded by it all. There is a residual uncomfort. After being made feel unwelcome, like parents shunning a returning child. I have never been able to feel like I belong since i left. And comedy is like that as well.

I am a good comic. But I do not belong anywhere in the Canadian comedy business. I am completely forgotten now when it comes to any aspect of the industry in this country. Just for Laughs, Winnipeg, Halifax, CBC gigs, anything... I am completely not considered at any level. 

It bothers me, because as I travel, I am enjoyed so well, and with such amazing enthusiasm, and I am received so well as I am proselytizing the wonderful qualities of Canadian humor. Yet as much as I have created a global audience for myself, and enough work and prosperity to never visit home again. It also is unbelievably painful to realize I will never truly be successful in my home country. Yet without fully understanding why.

I have never truly felt like I fit in anywhere all that much. And I know many have that feeling. But its strange to get so many emails, and messages from people, regular people who love what you do. And thats the only thing that really keeps me coming back. I guess I shouldn't care, but I love making people laugh. And I wish i could reach more people to do it in my home country. But I wonder sometimes why its so much easier to get stuff done in Europe or the US, and again I am made to feel like I don't belong in Canada.