I know, I've been bad about posting...

Well I'm sick. Do you feel guilty now? Huh? You should.




I got a cold somehow. It's 90+ degree's everyday here, and I get a cold.
I think it has something to do with my yoga class. I got talked into taking a yoga class the other day, and it was by far the hardedt workout I've had in a while. Now I realize that sounds incredibly gay, but as we all know I'm about a quarter gay so that makes it alright.
I am strangley unflexible. In particular my legs. It hurts where I want to cry, but I think that would have upset the attaining of some spiritual discovery that the others were shootin at.
I do have pretty good balance though, even the teacher commented that I had better balance than most in the class, espescially for a male. So there you go.

I am gonna take more vitamins and go get more rest. I have lots to say, but my nose is running and I keep coughing.

Will be funny and witty and have a really cool story to post tomorrow.

Stay hard america.

Over There! Over There! Tellin Jokes, laughin Blokes, Over There!

It seems like Afghanistan is a real possibillity for next week. And again I must ask myself why do I love to go to dangerous places? I like New York alleys, Southern Central LA neighborhoods, I like IRS audits, drinks with Ex-cons, and girls who can load a gun with one hand while kicking Heroin.

I like calculated risk. I hate lotteries, or raffles, I love poker and Three card monte when i'm dealin. I like to feel alive... It's sad that being alive doesn't make me feel alive. Breathing or a pulse should invigorate with some fuel for appreciating life. But instead I have to be in danger or get my penis pierced, I think thats why famous people do so much cocaine. It makes you feel more alive and they feel like they should feel more alive than others, but they don't so they pack their sinus cavities with a stimulant. (And yes all celebrities use it, fuck you if you don't believe me, but they do you naive prick).

I am debating what to bring. I'm thinking I will go really light this time, two pair of good shorts, lots underwear, lots socks, lots Tshirts, and various ribbons for my hair. I was thinking of bringing a video camera, but i did that last time, and I never once looked at the tapes. Nor of the tapes of Japan, But I do look at pictures so I will bring my little digital. The big question is should I bring my laptop? It's almost to big to travel with. But I know it would be a real good distraction. I will have to think about it. More later.

Tom Cruise is the smartest man alive.

Read this...

What brainpower! What insight! What grace under pressure he shows. What an idiot. OK, now I almost never comment on Pop culture Icons as I think they get too much attention as it stands... But there is a wry humor to watching a so called "enlightened person" make descisions and behave in a fashion that clearly puts on display his true inept ability to guage the wisdom of his actions.(Oprah show, fake engagement, the news about all the women he tried to get before Katie holmes, and now this crap on good morning america)

Scientology is another example of the dumbing down of america. They prey on the same simplistic naivete that the republican party preys on(and yes, so does the democratic and ill informed left leaning agenda's, but they aren't in power, and I don't like to kick people when they are too far down). Throwing out reactionary words, and inflamitory statements over classic logical debate. And they are not alone in this, there are a myriad of psuedo-cults, and self-help gurus, and personal power ralliests that inspire and fix with ultra simplistic mantras that reflect our true desire for change, but also our profound lack of desire for hard work in making it.

If there is such a well of truth in his beliefs, why does his interaction with Matt Lauer cause him such stress? It's not like he's being deposed by Clarence Darrow here, we're talking the pulpy host of a morning show... Dude I would expect any other religious evengelist to hold his cool under much more pressing circumstances, but not all of us have the benefit of the wisdom of an average Sci-Fi writer on our side. Of course there is a level of genius in the Scientology. The way it try's to convince those in need of pychological help to forgo treatment and find answers in them. I mean, of course! What better way to build your legions than prey on the most needy in our society, why not focus on all our insecurities to recruit followers, why not market Scientology Acne treatment and dis-avow clearisil and Pro-actif as evil and wrong... Do you even know what Clearisil does????? And we give it to kids!!!! -reactionary not unlike flanders wife on the Simpsons, "Think of the children!".



OK, I think most modern religions suck, I find it funny that we simply keep inventing faiths to fit our needs, if ever there was a proof that god is a mass hysteria thats it. But I give weight to some of the faiths that have lasted centuries if only to challenge my agnostism. But damn, can't we try a little harder than Scientology? Come on? We really need to provide a stronger education in schools... this type of shit is the direct result of the fact that our kids graduate knowing nothing about philosophy, history, the arts and a big heapin helpin of Logic provided by Science and math. Logic fights bullshit. It's that simple.
If you have logic you can weigh the truth of everything from penis enlargement pills to pyramid schemes, to Haliburton's no-bid contracts.

And if you discover that your soul is needing answers, join the longest and most respected list of the self examined...

There are classic wisdoms available to all for free to change and inspire ones life and they start about two thousand three hundred years ago with Plato, Socrates and Aristotle and stretch through the years with Aquinas, Decarte, Machiavelli, Rouseau, Locke, Hume, Hegel, Kant, Spinoza, Wittgenstein, Lao Tzu, Kierkergard, Neitzche, Dostyveski, Sartre, Camu, Dr Suess, Rand, and Marx. And the great thing about all these ideas, is that none of them are right, but the more of them you hear and explore the more depth into the human experience, the richer the dialogue with your soul, or god or your partner. The more satisfying your life, and the more inconsiquential Tom Cruise or L Ron, or the Cult of personality that is fame in the world, or the niave distractions of a Neo Con agenda from our life.

We are regressing as a people, we need only look at this clown Cruise to see it. He is not at the fault, we are. Celebrate complex individuals that are local and accessable, distance yourself from celebrity and avoid the urge to 'get to know' the people behind the pop art we are bombarded by. That is time stolen from your existance!

Wow. I think I'm going back to afghanistan in two weeks.

Weird. I was just thinkin about travelling some place exotic, and low and behold bam! I get a call to go to the middle East!

Well I guess you could argue that it's asia. I mean it's on the border of Pakistan, and thats definately Asia.

So, I'm gonna be single and on the prowl in Kabul. Is that a wail of grief or do you like the way I walk my little Bhurka covered Angel.

I think that would be weird to get like a girls gone wild Kabul thing going. Well before Kabul, I'm in Myrtle Beach this week. Thats kinda cool huh? They are similar, no gambling, no tattoo's, and kids get livestock out of mine fields.
Oh, yeah by the way... My brother is the right kind of famous... When we were in New Orleans, he got freakin swarmed by teen girls between the ages of 18 and 22. Dude, of your gonna have a demographic to be in to you, thats the one. Damn, drunk barely dressed, first year of college...
Course I got questions like, "Are you his body guard?" or "can you move out of the way?" or "hey ugly, go be ugly somewhere else ugly guy".
Maybe I heard that last one in my head, still....

Had a blast in New Orleans, played poker, ate at fancy places, slept in until 3pm. It was nice to hang with my bro, he's always so busy so it was nice.

Ciao. Me say night.

ditto
Copyright Pete Johansson

ditto
Copyright Pete Johansson

Mansions
Copyright Pete Johansson

Evening in graveyard
Copyright Pete Johansson

street
Copyright Pete Johansson

Cool pics in New Orleans
Copyright Pete Johansson

Me and my brother on Bourbon street... He got stopped every fifty feet by crowds of young girls, I had no idea how famous he is.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Where all my bad sets are buried... The slums next to this graveyard are way scarier than this place could ever be....
Copyright Pete Johansson

Missippi paddle boat.
Copyright Pete Johansson

It's what New Orleans is all about...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Freakin Tupelo...;)
Copyright Pete Johansson

I'm starting to own the southern rooms...



It's a grace, a respect, an slight acknowledgement that makes the crowd open up. The barreling through with over confidence will put them off, and a guard comes up, southern crowds, much like most, just don't want to get hurt. That might sound strange, but when you think about it, they've been picked on for a while. Now I'm not gonna say they didn't deserve it, but the first step to peace is one side letting off on the attack, and that's what I think I'm doing with my comedy. Anyways, I have done five shows this week and all of them have been pretty amazing, and all of them are in the deep south, with deep south crowds, and you know what? They get some references better than some crowds on the coast! Yup, sure they seem to dislike pot humor a little more, but the universal language of sexual stumbling speaks loud and true, as does many other humanistic truths.

I think I might start liking it down here, sans the heat.


At my best, in the worst... nice people, but was work.

Daleville, Alabama, a town of about 10k tops with a military base for training pilots was Wednesday. The bar had no AC it was 103 degrees, holy shit mes amis. The crowd was chatty, and hot and drunk, and I don't think they liked puppies or kittens or Democrats. Being non of those(remember I am for political apathy in the US) I hoped I would have a fightin chance at chuckles. I sweat through my entire shirt, it was very similar to performing in the shower as I often do, but without all the penis tricks. I ended up doing great, they really loved me, but my dreams of female companionship were fleeting. The crowd was all taken women, and yet again, most of them were dating guys over seas in Iraq, and Afghanistan. You really start to think that this war is hitting the south with more impact than the north, as it seems more of the southerners are over there...


Another Southern girl who is making brutal relationship choices...

I did meet a couple of nice girls who happened to be in bad relationships..

The Belles a dancin..in Daleville, Al


But the one kept telling me she should marry him to make it better... hmmm, yeah that's probably true. Ralph the comic who was opening...

Tetta.

gave the girl a thorough once over with a psychological breakdown of her problems, but I think she should just do what she wants. Eventually these women will all be gay in thirty years when they realize they have bread every good guy out of existence by constantly getting together with assholes, so why change fate.


The best lookin man in Daleville... and our MC who thrilled the mixed race crowd with racist jokes... funny. wrong. funny.



Albany Georgia was a trip. NO OPENER. Cold Start with a fucked up intro. I can't tell you how hard it is to go up cold in front of a drunk bar and get them to pay attention for an hour with no opener to bite the bullet. I would say the first ten minutes were awkward, it was like I had to open for me, and that part didn't do so well, but then the rest of the show rocked. I really brought the entire place around, and when it was over the crowd was in my palm. Very scary, very out of my comfort zone. But thrilling to succeed. One girl was cute there, but she was drunk and sitting with the local chief of police. She kissed me and asked me to stick around, cause it would be worth my while. I could almost guarantee that it wouldn't so I went to wal-mart and got some vegetables and cottage cheese.

Seven hour drive to Tupelo, Mississippi, tired and again no freakin opener!, I really rocked the joint. The MC gave me some exceptionally bad advice about which comics work and which don't ... that I smiled and thanked him for, but went on and did what he said would be wrong...

This bar loves the Detroit Red Wings! Which is of course amazing for me, as my dad won the Stanley Cup playing for the Detroit Red Wings back in 52/53 season more than fifty years ago... yup my dad is that old! Anyways that made it fun, but I could tell they didn't think I was gonna be funny.

I actually love that feelin when I go in a room and you can tell they are worried because you don't seem very funny. And then the surprise and shock after the show of them realizing how wrong their initial judgment was... it's the story of my life. Cause I'm not always very funny, in fact I'm a little too deep and over analytical for my own good.. but I understand humor, and I can create it for others if I'm not too busy making myself laugh.

I am gonna go to New Orleans on Sunday to hang out with my Brother and have some fun. Hopefully I will try out my new ring:) Peace out angels....

Ralphs, cd. oddly wrong, yet not...
Copyright Pete Johansson

There's a feeling couples give in central florida, it's like they're waiting for a good time to mention that they swing. A lull in the conversation, they swirl the ice in the drink give a questioning look at their spouse, one more glance at the floor, "so we have an open marrige in a way..." But of course they never get the chance, cause I never seem comfortable enough to lend them the opportunity.
That's florida, almost something cool, but just misses. That was the show, a really fun free unstructured set full of daring improv and progressive storylines that doesn't hit the roof cause there was only about twenty people there. I came up with two funny new bits onstage, one that makes fun of Def Poetry jam(which I actually like) but pokes fun at the drama they bring, and the other is a simple joke about how you can tell how much a girl is into giving head by her neck fat. Simple old school guffaw.

I am batting 0% with girls, they are at least friendly, but again not a single girl yet at my shows, I am starting to think I might have to hit on girls in relationships but I don't want to be that guy. But damn somegirls willtell you all about their boyfriend but then flirt, and touch and rub, and give you signals like crazy. But if they wanted to cheat, why did they mention the boyfriend in the first place? Was it to protect themselves, or to transfer guilt to the other party.. hmm.

Anyways off to Alabama...

My piercing increases the intensity of my orgasms...

Wow that's a headline you don't see alot of. But I am now seeing the benefits of putting a piece of metal through my penis, it really feels amazing when you come! I'm not kidding it stimulates something inside the head and it's like a tickle that gets really intense then...surprise! That happened alot faster than planned... I think this baby might actually make me orgasm in a more normal(not that there is a 'normal' per se, as health professionals will tell you, we are all normal) time frame. I should probably explain... One thing I have never, ever had a problem with is lasting. That my ex's can all attest to. I last until my physical fitness limits my activities, not my orgasm. In fact I have always wished I could pop off quicker, which is something I bet you don't hear alot of guys saying, but it's true. I think this little baby might do the trick! Course I'm still a week or so away from being able to test it out with someone, but I'm looking forward to it...

OK.

I am starting to write the Liturgy for my Cult (Oh yeah, I'm starting a cult!). I am going to loosely base it on Confucism so that you can maintain your old religion while still being a part of mine. I am going to include a reading list to join my cult as well. That might limit membership, but I think it will make my obscure jokes get better laughs inside the demographic. So far the list is; Pamela Anderson's Biography, Bertrand Russell's 'Why I am not a Christian', The Worlds best Dirty Jokes Volume I through XXII, The movie SuperTroopers, The Book of Rumi, Chomsky's Thought Control In Democratic Societies, The articles in the last 3 years of Hustler magazine, Watch the movie 'Somewhere in Time' and cry, watch the movie 'The Life of David Gale' and laugh, The inscription on the mermaid statue in Copenhagen, Denmark, The writings of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, Marx's Communist Manifesto, at least three books of Dostoevsky (one which must be The Idiot), David Sedaris 'Me talk Pretty', All bumper Stickers on Olds 88's, one book by Bill O'reilly (not the one for kids), Listen to Rush Limbaugh twice a month, Listen to AL Franken once a Month, listen to BBC news four times a month, Love Line 6 times a month(pay particular attention to Adam Corrollas views on the general intelligence of society), listen to Art Bell 8 times a month, any and all pamphlet's handed out by Jehovah's, Hari Krishna's, Kabbalahists, Scientologist's, and Pat Robertson, highlighting all the stuff that reads as simple as a horoscope giving dime store advice, then realize I'm gonna do the same thing, but make it funny in a wrong way.

Thats the start, I will add more, but my cult will not make you happy, it will make you laugh harder, and more satisfyingly, but it will also make you cry harder, and more satisfyingly. Keep this in mind before you join. Oh, yeah, and we swing... leader first.

Back to me.




I went out last night to a bar full of college kids, it just sucked. I have no game with the girls right now, and I can't figure out why? I was doing so well a couple of weeks ago, but now girls will not, I repeat will not make any eye contact with me! I don't get it! If by accident they do look at me, it is with complete dead eyes that skim over my faintly white glowing shell as though I am a mist of ugly squirted in the air to add contrast to the rest of the room. It's killin me this roller coaster of Self esteem I'm on... I swear it has taken me literally years to mildly feel good about my appearance, and everytime I go out I feel like an oozing boil from the looks girls give me. I dress well, maybe too well, but never ever ostentatious. I am pretty good shape, but I am thinking not good enough.. And I don't know which way to improve? More toned and lean or more muscular? As far as I can tell, any body type other than mine, gets ladies... but if you are looking to become some sort of nightclub robber, I have the right physique, lets call it 'obscurity sized'. I could walk through any nightclub full of attractive people and one by one hold up the entire crowd, and no one would notice me. I would become wealthy, but anonymous...
Also, while I'm complaining, I absolutely love that super long pause that college girls give me when I make a joke! I can't tell if the pause is, "Fuck you!" or "fuck you" or "why are you talking to me, fuck you" or "that's stupid, and you shouldn't make fun of girls missing in Aruba, it's a crisis! fuck you". I swear there is nothing that impresses college age women, except cuteness. Charm... nope, Money...nope daddy has lot's of that, Sophistication...huh?, Humor?... anythings funny if a hottie says it, nothings funny...is a blog by pete johansson...

I hate myself, this Cult leader is going to be so needing positive re-enforcement. "you're a pretty cult leader, and funny too!" "Ooohm", "Your physique is pleasing to the eye leader, please tell me your feelings on the evolution of world economics being driven by the Neo-con's and where it will ultimately lead us if your church doesn't change things", "Nice ass Leader!(thwap!)".... practice my peaches... petej

The other view from Starbucks... The beach confuses me.
Copyright Pete Johansson

The View from Starbucks in Myrtle Beach, SC...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Myrtle Beach... God I'm old! But then again I'm still too young!


I swear I am the only person in my age group left alive on this planet. Maybe it's already been the last days and God snatched up my peers a'la the Left Behind series and I being the agnostic skeptic that I am being tested....

Myrtle beach is an oasis for alcoholic 40 year old parents with incredibly hot daughters in the smallest bikini you can get without landing up a crack. And that's it. Forty plus and hammered or late teens jail bait... Again, no in between, well except guys... There are guys I think of all ages, but they don't talk much. They stand in huddles with beers and they don't move, or they ride motorcycles up and down the street high fiving and posing. Question? Would they do this ridiculous behavior if somegirls weren't fucking them in reward? hmmm

I'm pretty sure I'm retarded, but I don't understand the appeal of this place.
I really don't, okay the beach is nice, but it's not nicer than any other beach on this coast? Why not Savannah, or Wilmington, why here? It's not like there's gambling or prostitution, or any type of entertainment that is completely devoid of any content... It's just got alot of hotel rooms and all the class of Reno. But it's kinda aimed at families, you see the word 'family' everywhere. But everyone is hammered. It should read, 'dysfunctional families' oasis, come watch dad get drunk and make a move on his daughters best friend. Mom's passed out in her own vomit regretting her life choice to get knocked up at seventeen in Myrtle Beach resort! Come book your blackout. Don't let all the trauma of neglect take place at home, take your kids to the beach for some damage.

I'm guessing ten kids a year must drown in beer coolers here.

And what a racial demographic! 85% Redneck hick trash, and 15% hardcore Gangsta black. What the fuck? I would have never thought those two groups vacationed together. Minivans with DVD's, and impalas' with 22" dubs.

You know what it must be me. There are hundreds of thousands of people playing in the sun and I'm longing for a Truffaut film and good discussion...

Last night this woman hit on my after my show. She was in her mid twenties(possibly the oldest single woman in the south...), and pretty attractive. She kept asking her to join her for a drink, and after I made sure the waitress was serious about her recent engagement I decided to join her. Her hands were all over me, but she kept talking... And kept talking... And she was an idiot! Ok not only was she an idiot she was in Med School, and an idiot. Now if I can't find a med school student mentally stimulating what hope do I have? I looked at her and said I'm sorry I have to go, and left her standing there...Angry, and rejected. That's how irritating her conversation was.

Somebody help me! I want to have fun here! I want to be part of the oblivious masses! I want to party! What the hell is wrong with me!!!!

If you have any suggestions please let me know....

Searching for simple pete.

Quick addition...

I found this blog and it has made me feel better by making me laugh my ass off. It's called The Porn Cynic. Theyreview porn, much like my ex used to. Pointing out all the shit your brain tries to block out in order to just enjoy it, like that girl is clearly faking it, look at what she is wearing... I am not doing it justice, but it is really funny. There are no dirty pics, so you can read it at work, as long as you don't click the links that reference what it's talking about, but that is kinda all the fun....

No Sex and No Beer make me something, something...

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do!

Man do I want to masturbate. Seriously I can't hardly take it, I thought this forced celibacy would make me productive and focused but in fact it has made my brain really pay attention to the pressure building up in my 'testicles'. That's right I went medical, you can't stop me...

I have been feeling a little down, I think it's cause I haven't performed, or maybe it's lack of sex, or maybe it's cause I got a steel hoop placed through the head of my penis, I mean whose to know really. But I keep thinking I might be a little bit of a loser.

I understand Self Esteem issues are rampant in society, and I am not alone with fluctuations of self worth, but I got offered a middle week the other day... This depressed me.

I couldn't accept it cause I was already booked(headlining another club), but that always fucks with my head... I soo want to shout back at the person, really? How many middles do you have with thirteen Stand up appearances on TV? How many middles do you have that have starred in a movie, toured in twelve countries, had four TV development deals, sold a show he created, was the first comic to do both Aspen and Just for Laughs in one year, and four additional appearances at the JFL including two Galas? How many middles do you have that have been doing comedy for fifteen years, have two hours of material, kill everywhere (except Birmingham), and are as easy on the eyes as this lanky doll? ... But of course I don't. I humbly put my head down and think geez I must suck. I am a complete and utter loser, my successes are all just flukes, I don't deserve any of them, and this person is right I should be grateful I even get offered this measly morsel. After all, I wasn't on last comic standing or anything...

So, I know all this is just in my head. And I would have taken that week if I wasn't booked. Why? Cause I love to perform. I wonder if that is a liability, I wonder if I could sacrifice that love for leverage....

OK I JUST LOST THE REST OF THIS POST CAUSE BLOGGER SUCKS BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammit, it was funny and poinient, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!

Ok, I will continue, the gist of my last post was, that I decided I needed a gimmick, and I explored all the gimmicks in comedy that launched average comics to the top focusing heavily on comics named Richard who suck. (Lewis, Jeni, Belzer not Pryor).

Then I put up a picture of Carrot Top and tried out some of my possibilities...

Pete & She-Pete, I open for myself in drag but don't do very well and leave the real me to cover my time and win the crowd back.

Pizza Pete, I make take and bake Pizza's to order in an Italian accent while telling jokes.

That Fire'Cracker' comic, I focus mainly on black crowds and everytime I call myself a cracker, off go pyrotechnics.

Rabbi Pete, the christian named sage of Yiddish humor.

Dixie Pete, my act in a southern drawl and no more references to Wittgenstein or Schopenhauer.

But finally I have decided on The Church Of Pete. All my adult life my friends have always talked about the strange sense I make when they get to know me, and how what seems crazy is actually really kinds cool. So I am going to be me, my humor, my taste, with no apologies... And it's gonna be marketed as The Church Of Pete. I like it.

Sincerely,

'leader bean'

AAAaaagh.

That’s how I woke this morning. Now normally a scream like that would be due to me waking up and finding that the juice I was drinking was home-made Peyote Schnapps, and that girl who I went to bed with is actually not a that attractive, and not that a girl. But this morning my scream was due to the fact that I awoke, much like Godfather (I), in a bed full of blood, but not from a horse head but my cock head.(I was gonna make a horse cock joke here, but I remember my ex reads this and she would correct me)...back to the bloody mess...



My piercing well on its way to healing must have gotten caught on something while I slept, and loosened whatever was healing inside... But seriously it was sooo much blood!

It soaked through the gauze, through my brothers robe, through my brothers 900 thread count sheets, through his imported down pillows, and into his brand new pillow top mattress. Bad luck for my brother...(who by the way co-hosted love line with DR. Drew and Adam Corolla last Thursday night) (weird, cause my ex works for DR. Drew on his new Discovery Show, and my ex from like 6 years ago co-hosted his MTV show... Damn, DR Drew totally cock blocks my action...)

God when will the fruits of my stupidity end? I ask you? When?

Second topic.

I think I’m gonna start an indifference web ring… I’m pretty sure there isn’t a huge indifference movement, so I might spearhead it. Maybe, but I’m awful tired. God I hope my penis stops bleeding. I am really starting to miss my porn cruising. I can't do it, cause I can't masterbate for another week or two. I can still imagine how I do it still...I have my simple favorites, I start out at fleshbot, I pick through all the crap and usually feel like I have both learned something and gotten an eyefull of Porn. If it sucks I give a quick looksee to AllAmatureBlog, you see I like my girls realistic, as in... with somebosy else. (I kid, i do just fine with the ladies, you can't operate a blog like this without fightin the pussy off with a stick;). Sometimes the close up shots of labia desensitize me, and I long for the simple pleasures of imagining what labia might look like... Thats when I visit the new Sears catalog. Actually I go to a former member of men at work's site who started his own swimsuit company, on a shoestring, and apparently with very little more... future strippers of the world take note of your costume shop.
Anyways I miss the cruise of these sites.. I miss the feeling of discovery. Now all I do is 'read' and 'learn' and become 'informed' , it's all such elitist bullshit.

That’s my closer, goodnight...


Oh! One more thing, I found this guy who has a sassy blog, and also sells shirts that remind me of my TWAT HATS, his site is called The Shocker and there is a link to his shirts,

This reminds me of thi Aussie guy who had this move he called the Dragon, where he would take his fingers and put two in his 'Sheila's Sniffer', and Two in her 'How Do You Do', then work her clitty with yer Thumb. "That's the Dragon Mate. Not all women like it, but the ones that do, know where they can get it" (they he would make a loud "Hah!" and elbow you hard with the arm holding his pint. How do they not rule the world?

The Moral Evil of Credit Card Companies.

Mutherfuckers...


OK, so I ran up a bunch of charges on one of my lower interest Credit Cards in all my travel over the last couple of months. In fact I ran my chase card to within about fifteen bucks of my limit, making sure not to go over. Also my online site only allows one payment per month so I had to wait until it was due to make a payment... These bastards applied my interest, hiked my interest rate, and charged me an over the limit fee of 35$, so from $10 dollars under I went to fifty over...Okay based on my balance that works out to a one month interest of 23%.

Now I used to know a loan shark named Robbie in Montreal. He was a really cool guy as long as you didn't owe him money, then he would slap you until you cried in front of all your friends.. He charged 25% a month, and he actually could be reasoned with. Now Fuckin Chase Bank, when I called to find out what the fuck was up, was a maze of discouragement...

First you dial, then enter your personal info into a voice computer... THE ONLY POINT OF THE AUTOMATED SYSTEM IS TO SCARE OFF OLD PEOPLE AND TECHNOPHOBES, why do I say that? Well because the auto system never does anything of use, and the info it gathers goes no where, cause as soon as you don't get the info you wanted, and transfer to hold for twenty min, they ask for the same info all over again...Thus eliminating at least 30 percent of the callers, like my mom and other old people... Point Evil Credit Card.

Next, I speak with a customer service rep in, of course, the cliched location of India. I would have no problem with that if it didn't slowly and subliminally make us start to hate all Indians for being bureaucratic, sadistic, Kalfka-esque non-negotiating evil Sanskrit Overlords.

-Former Indian Stereotype

When in fact they are exploited, underpaid, undertrained in American cultural idiosyncratic behavior leaving almost every interaction a confused mismanaged situation that requires additional help in the form of a long distance transfer again, without any of your personal information...Thus causing the impatient, time strained, culturally insensitive to hang up, I'm guessing 15%. Point Evil Credit Card.

Now of course due to an overall lack of comprehension of my Hindi brother or sister I have been transferred to the wrong department. But before I can get transferred again to the right department I need to give my information again! Now this I realize is most definitely a PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE TECHNIQUE, called de-humanistic programming. This lowers ones self worth by constantly reinforcing a non-individualistic state that makes us more and more ready to comply with authority. The repetition of the same information again and again, and our identity being reduced to a series of numbers is eerily similar to hostages, and prisoners in concentration camps and interrogation facilities...This demoralizes or incapacitates another 15%. Point the devil Card.

I am transfered again, and of course the required hold time then same info is given. The ludicrousness makes you either over react, in which they will hang up and note your file so that your calls in future are routed to permanent hold patterns, or you will settle for far less than what you require in service. I explain the situation to the representative, and I explain to him that no where on the website or my statement does it explain the charges. I then state that I question the legality of fining me, then charging me for being fined... This seems like double jeopardy, a classic pillar in the American belief of justice and morality, even if not a set law. He couldn't care less of course, and ultimately reversed the charge with no hesitation. But I think how many would not have called, or persisted, or insisted that it be removed.

When are we going to make this type of behavior by corporations stop?

We seem to be completely at ease with surrendering all our humanistic rights to the side of corporations putting the entire onus for monitoring exploitation on an individual level. How is this Okay??

How do we need to give THEM more protection?

WHO IN THE AMERICAN PUBLIC TRULY FEELS THE CREDIT CARD COMPANIES NEED MORE PROTECTION FROM US?????

We are in a pot of water that has been slowly heating to boiling long enough. We need change! We need to stop letting greed fuck us in every turn,m we need to be vocal, we need to STRIKE! Seriously this nation needs a wake up call in an old fashioned NATIONAL STRIKE FOR CORPORATE & GOVERNMENT REFORM... You want to watch or representatives start giving a fuck what we think again? Then bring the system to a halt. And I don't me unions, or organizations, I mean everybody stops for one day to demand or votes to count, and to end Corporate favoritism over the rights of individuals...

By the way just Google "Strike" or "National Strike", it's almost like they have taken that option off the table by making it invisible... It's nowhere to be found, like it is not an option. It's erie. And so is how much we have lost, as people, as citizens, and as comics.

FYI, my piercing feels better, and that's not why I'm ranting. Although I wouldn't mind a little peak at a little porn some time soon....

The clarity that is timing your pee.

It's been a day and a half. And it has gotten a little better. I can finally laugh again.

Just kidding, laughter is all you have when you realize that it takes twenty minutes preparation every time you need to pee. It's been quite a day or two, it's all still a bit of a blur.

First off, I don't like Vicodin, I don't see the appeal. It made me nauseous and gave me a wicked hangover. I can't see how Matthew Perry got hooked... Course the pain of having millions of dollars is a nonstop one that I am thankful the great overlord has spared me firsthand knowledge of , for now. I actually can't think of a good drug for piercing your dick, maybe there is a pharmaceutical opening here, they good introduce 'glansbenumb' for penis piercing and really bad blowjobs, it dulls pain and has the added side effect of coagulating all your blood.

Which brings me to why I am dizzy, and my newfound respect for menstruation.
Cups of blood. Yup that's plural. Yup that's blood.

That first day, I filled two rubber gloves which I used to cover Mr Saddy( is his temporary monicker, but I will change his name back to Donald when he is healed). It's sad I couldn't put this blood to good use, like painting my neighbors shed, and then reporting him to the cops about all the prostitutes that arrive at his door but never leave...
But it is going straight into the trash, along with acres of gauze, paper towels, three pairs of ruined Calvin Klein undies, One pair Pajama pants that I liked, a bunch of rubber gloves, an empty bottle of Saline Wound Cleaner, and a dead spider that decided to bite me for no good reason when he could have been happy feasting off what I was merely throwing out. Spiders always want more.

Oh, funny note! Don't get an erection. Yeah, that's not a good time quite yet...And the fact that I have been avoiding any type of sexual stimuli, has not seemed to reach my subconscious, and I found myself in a lusty rendezvous with a dark haired French girl somewhere in the woods in Alsace , and we were getting quite frisky, and all of the sudden I started crying out in pain. I awoke from the exceptionally high production value dirty dream to find that the shifting dimensions of the old boy had started a whole new bleeding cycle and a great deal of sharp, wake up pain.
So, somehow I need to find some really unerotic thoughts to take me away into slumberland tonight, I'm thinking I'll read a little Ann Coulter, she usually takes my hard ons away pretty quick.

I am up and about, and all in all the healing is pretty amazing, my bleeding is down to a light trickle, that could be due to the fact that I am out of blood, or it really is starting to stop. I can only go out for as long as I can without having to pee. I need to undue the wrap of bandages, and then clean the piercing with saline and Betadine when I finish, so I have been trying to take only three really extensive horse pees a day.
That becomes harder when you are constantly thinking about it.

Now for some distraction... Gillette lost a law suit over false advertising today, their ads made it seem that the new razor electrically raised the hairs before shaving them, I thought this when I watched it, but then a huge dose of.... All ads lie, hit me and I realized that this was probably bullshit too. However, why I brought this up is this, if you can still be sued over false advertising why the hell is it this case that is getting tried?
I mean, all the diet pills, the bullshit cellulite creams, Celebrex, The Republican Campaign ads, The Democrat Campaign Ads, The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints, and The Longest Yard all should have court dates set for false advertising. My god, who the fuck is enforcing this law? Apparently somebody sporting stubble, who wants to keep his chin smooth so his head goes up his own ass a little smoother. (*Okay I really think that was sassy good).

More updates later, more luv to you now...petej

ps I will put up a poll later to whether or not post a couple of the graphic pics, or maybe just one post piercing pic... I'll leave it up to you...

I got my dick pierced.

It is a surprisingly simple yet powerful statement that breeds all sorts of emotions in those that hear it, and its only been 16 hrs. I have experienced anger(from my ex), puzzlement, curiosity, dismissiveness, and wincing.

I will start with my account, and follow it with my thoughts, and I hope you find this entertaining and interesting cause damn it hurt.


OOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so I'm a little out of it right now... I did it. Its done, it hurts, that is such a bunch of BS that it doesn't hurt, it fuckin kills....

"You'll just feel a little pinch...." Really? Who the fuck are you used to being pinched by? AAAWWWW!

Alright I was gonna hold off on going into this until the vicodin had worn off, but I'm already tapping away at my keys so I'll give my first account.

I was excited all morning, much like Christmas day, I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't wait to get to the piercing shop. But first I had to get some things out of the way that I wouldn't be able to do for a while, so I went to the gym and worked out like a son of a bitch, (oh yeah and I had a one last hurrah with the fella the night before).
So I arrived at the piercing establishment, I scanned around and saw the various flesh artists in assorted levels of occupation eagerly awaiting the college kids to stumble in and ask for the UNCW colors on their shoulders and mid rifts, but I did not perk their interest at first, as I appeared a little more straight-laced than the average clientele. I instantly recognized my man 'Chew' from his photo on the website, he was sitting behind the front case filled with an assortment of tribal jewelry and rings. He is tattooed all over his head, it's images blur to form a light color halo that rests in the obscure as you never quite focus off his welcoming eyes.
I explained that I had spoken previously on the phone with him and I think he feigned a recollection out of politeness, I informed him of what I wanted done, a Prince Albert.

Ok, here we go, the Jade Monkey Studio in Wilmington, NC.
Copyright Pete Johansson

He coolly said no problem. It was weird to see the everyday quality of you personal rebellion, or statement be reduced to the mundane. Shocking to the system in some ways, as you expect the act which causes in yourself such trepidation to carry some cached with it... I filled out the paper work and got my video camera, as I walked in a girl asked me what I was getting pierced. I told her my penis. Finally a little awe! She was shocked a little, but more curious, 'are you going to video tape it?' I wanted to reply with something sarcastic, but my nervous energy had me at a disadvantaged wit. I gave her a simple yes. She then asked could she see the tape when I finished? I told her to visit my website, I might very well put it up there...

The room had the bleak furniture of a doctors examining room but the art of a witch doctor, and interspersed amongst the acid dream nudes and tribal masks was the innocent drawings of small children, almost a reminder to the gift of innocence that I assume I am not alone in missing as I shed my pants and get up on the table.


The bed that my ass stuck too..
Copyright Pete Johansson
Chew talked in a smooth even tone, surprisingly in contrast to his raw appearance. As a skeptic when I hear a soothing tone, I often assume I'm being conned. He laid out the tools for the piercing and explained what would happen.

The tools of the inquisitioner...We have ways of making you talk...
Copyright Pete Johansson

The tools fresh from the sanitization machine, gleamed and seemed especially menacing. The tool that really caught my eye was the receiver tube, which sounds nicer than it looks. It is this shiny sharp metal tube that gets inserted into the urethra. That concept alone bothers me more than any other was the insertion into the urethra. I dislike anything in the urethra, I object to the whole notion of reception in the urethra, I have heard a lot of people say that their ass is exit only, well I would like to add that my urethra is also exit only...
Damn look at that!(see pic below)


Sure that's the ring and captive ball, but forget that and look at the sharp metal pokey thing that goes into my urethra fight above it...mmmm, I'm an idiot...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Ok so now I would like to mention, you need not worry about getting an erection during this procedure... Nope, no worry about that. Also, you won't be impressing anyone with your penis....Nope very humble stature. As a matter of fact my penis was acting much like a dog that knows its going to the vet, it was edgy and trying to hide, somebody let it know I was going to hurt it...
An alcohol swab cools and cleans the head and glans, and you don't care for a second that your penis is being handled by a guy...OK next steps..

"Take a couple of big breaths" -that sounds nice...ok.breathe in, breathe out..

Owwww!!!! What was that? Stingy burny, stingy, pokey, ouch!

Alright lets get started..Started?? What do you mean I thought that was it??? There's more??? Damn this is already way too much pain...
Ok couple more deep breathes...and...

OOOWWWW!!!! OK that hurts. Quite simply a blinding pain, but I can take it. Actually it is about the same level of pain as the receiving tube going in, just sharper.


What the fuck am I thinking...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Whew, now we are done. I screamed pretty loud and my pulse is beating in Megahertz, but we are done...and I am ok...

"alright, so now I am gonna put in the ring"

I thought you already did that. Dammit... Omygod, that is to.....

and I went out.

I passed out cold.

I am not a tough guy, in fact I am not a biker, or a punk rocker or a rebel or a marine or anybody that could normally just handle this, I am a comic, a simple, mid-level comic. I am not cut out for this kind of pain, I can handle hecklers, bombing, technical problems, crowds of thousands, but this is too much... I felt like I was out for 30 mins, apparently just one.


Coming to after passing out...
Copyright Pete Johansson


I awoke with my pants down smelling ammonia and a bloody penis...(insert punchline parading down main street here). It took an hour and some coke and a little bread to get my blood sugar up, and make me feel up to sitting...

I did it. I can't believe I did it.

I rose eventually, and with Chew and another artists help I made it to my car. I got home and found I had bled through my pants, in fact there was soo much blood I almost fainted again.

Now I have explained before why I did this. For adventure, for curiosity, for facing my fears. Plus I think it looks pretty cool.

It is an act of ownership, of self, and as much as it hurt, it was a journey I needed and chose to take. I am relaxing now, and a little out of it. But I own this moment... I have not felt that much personal strength in a while, and its pretty amazing, most people do not need to feel this but its been to long for myself and it feels great. So far that's put you up to date on this adventure and journey that is life, and I am not sure if today I stand any closer to the examined existence, but perhaps there is enlightenment in stepping farther than your fear.

All the best,