I got my dick pierced.

It is a surprisingly simple yet powerful statement that breeds all sorts of emotions in those that hear it, and its only been 16 hrs. I have experienced anger(from my ex), puzzlement, curiosity, dismissiveness, and wincing.

I will start with my account, and follow it with my thoughts, and I hope you find this entertaining and interesting cause damn it hurt.


OOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, so I'm a little out of it right now... I did it. Its done, it hurts, that is such a bunch of BS that it doesn't hurt, it fuckin kills....

"You'll just feel a little pinch...." Really? Who the fuck are you used to being pinched by? AAAWWWW!

Alright I was gonna hold off on going into this until the vicodin had worn off, but I'm already tapping away at my keys so I'll give my first account.

I was excited all morning, much like Christmas day, I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't wait to get to the piercing shop. But first I had to get some things out of the way that I wouldn't be able to do for a while, so I went to the gym and worked out like a son of a bitch, (oh yeah and I had a one last hurrah with the fella the night before).
So I arrived at the piercing establishment, I scanned around and saw the various flesh artists in assorted levels of occupation eagerly awaiting the college kids to stumble in and ask for the UNCW colors on their shoulders and mid rifts, but I did not perk their interest at first, as I appeared a little more straight-laced than the average clientele. I instantly recognized my man 'Chew' from his photo on the website, he was sitting behind the front case filled with an assortment of tribal jewelry and rings. He is tattooed all over his head, it's images blur to form a light color halo that rests in the obscure as you never quite focus off his welcoming eyes.
I explained that I had spoken previously on the phone with him and I think he feigned a recollection out of politeness, I informed him of what I wanted done, a Prince Albert.

Ok, here we go, the Jade Monkey Studio in Wilmington, NC.
Copyright Pete Johansson

He coolly said no problem. It was weird to see the everyday quality of you personal rebellion, or statement be reduced to the mundane. Shocking to the system in some ways, as you expect the act which causes in yourself such trepidation to carry some cached with it... I filled out the paper work and got my video camera, as I walked in a girl asked me what I was getting pierced. I told her my penis. Finally a little awe! She was shocked a little, but more curious, 'are you going to video tape it?' I wanted to reply with something sarcastic, but my nervous energy had me at a disadvantaged wit. I gave her a simple yes. She then asked could she see the tape when I finished? I told her to visit my website, I might very well put it up there...

The room had the bleak furniture of a doctors examining room but the art of a witch doctor, and interspersed amongst the acid dream nudes and tribal masks was the innocent drawings of small children, almost a reminder to the gift of innocence that I assume I am not alone in missing as I shed my pants and get up on the table.


The bed that my ass stuck too..
Copyright Pete Johansson
Chew talked in a smooth even tone, surprisingly in contrast to his raw appearance. As a skeptic when I hear a soothing tone, I often assume I'm being conned. He laid out the tools for the piercing and explained what would happen.

The tools of the inquisitioner...We have ways of making you talk...
Copyright Pete Johansson

The tools fresh from the sanitization machine, gleamed and seemed especially menacing. The tool that really caught my eye was the receiver tube, which sounds nicer than it looks. It is this shiny sharp metal tube that gets inserted into the urethra. That concept alone bothers me more than any other was the insertion into the urethra. I dislike anything in the urethra, I object to the whole notion of reception in the urethra, I have heard a lot of people say that their ass is exit only, well I would like to add that my urethra is also exit only...
Damn look at that!(see pic below)


Sure that's the ring and captive ball, but forget that and look at the sharp metal pokey thing that goes into my urethra fight above it...mmmm, I'm an idiot...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Ok so now I would like to mention, you need not worry about getting an erection during this procedure... Nope, no worry about that. Also, you won't be impressing anyone with your penis....Nope very humble stature. As a matter of fact my penis was acting much like a dog that knows its going to the vet, it was edgy and trying to hide, somebody let it know I was going to hurt it...
An alcohol swab cools and cleans the head and glans, and you don't care for a second that your penis is being handled by a guy...OK next steps..

"Take a couple of big breaths" -that sounds nice...ok.breathe in, breathe out..

Owwww!!!! What was that? Stingy burny, stingy, pokey, ouch!

Alright lets get started..Started?? What do you mean I thought that was it??? There's more??? Damn this is already way too much pain...
Ok couple more deep breathes...and...

OOOWWWW!!!! OK that hurts. Quite simply a blinding pain, but I can take it. Actually it is about the same level of pain as the receiving tube going in, just sharper.


What the fuck am I thinking...
Copyright Pete Johansson

Whew, now we are done. I screamed pretty loud and my pulse is beating in Megahertz, but we are done...and I am ok...

"alright, so now I am gonna put in the ring"

I thought you already did that. Dammit... Omygod, that is to.....

and I went out.

I passed out cold.

I am not a tough guy, in fact I am not a biker, or a punk rocker or a rebel or a marine or anybody that could normally just handle this, I am a comic, a simple, mid-level comic. I am not cut out for this kind of pain, I can handle hecklers, bombing, technical problems, crowds of thousands, but this is too much... I felt like I was out for 30 mins, apparently just one.


Coming to after passing out...
Copyright Pete Johansson


I awoke with my pants down smelling ammonia and a bloody penis...(insert punchline parading down main street here). It took an hour and some coke and a little bread to get my blood sugar up, and make me feel up to sitting...

I did it. I can't believe I did it.

I rose eventually, and with Chew and another artists help I made it to my car. I got home and found I had bled through my pants, in fact there was soo much blood I almost fainted again.

Now I have explained before why I did this. For adventure, for curiosity, for facing my fears. Plus I think it looks pretty cool.

It is an act of ownership, of self, and as much as it hurt, it was a journey I needed and chose to take. I am relaxing now, and a little out of it. But I own this moment... I have not felt that much personal strength in a while, and its pretty amazing, most people do not need to feel this but its been to long for myself and it feels great. So far that's put you up to date on this adventure and journey that is life, and I am not sure if today I stand any closer to the examined existence, but perhaps there is enlightenment in stepping farther than your fear.

All the best,