Fat kids should not get Frappacinos

I don't like taking any overt political stances, but if any party outlawed caffeinated milkshakes for fat kids, I would be very tempted to rethink my politics is useless belief.

Starbucks, who all of you who know me, know I support with a roughly 2500 dollar a year habit, continues to profit on school kids who flood the doors of their stores post school, and pre-video game play for a 850 calorie booster shot on a Dailey basis. This irks me to know end. First I'm not a huge fan of other peoples kids, I don't really believe they are so much "our future" as they are "their future", so my concern for them is limited. But I am a great fan of aesthetics, and I hate to be the one that says it, but American kids are fat and ugly.
Yep they are like little Americans, chubby, self centered and devoid of consideration for all others that grace this earth. So partly as punishment, partly as a national beautification process, and all masked as a concern for child health, Starbucks should outlaw Frappacinos, for kids. (implicitly fat ones, but why make them cry)
I would love Starbucks forever, I would voluntarily show up to tell the kids if they were to shy to do it. And I'd pay a dime more per cup to see them employ such a measure....

So please lets make this great country better, and bring it back to its glory of having just one or two funny fat kids that thin kids could make fun of, and stop the plumping up of our children (actually your children, if I have any my babies momma has not told me yet).

It's kinda like the witch in Hansel and Gretel is an evil alien who invented the frappacino, and in a Left Behind like conspiracy will snatch them all when they are ready to harvest for an intergalactic feast... So if you believe in crazy conspiracies...Save Fat Children from wicked witch like extraterrestrial, and stop kids from having Frappacinos.

Do it for the Children!

Burp.

So Sleepy...

Oh my god I'm tired.

I made it to Portland, Oregon today. A pretty quick 5 hour drive, from Vancouver, with only a few hours of sleep.

I am working at a club called Harvey's this week, and wow what a show! Tuesday night and they got about 250 people in the audience. And they are freakin wicked... But its not the show that made me fight through my lack of sleep.

I went on a date last night and it was really amazing. We talked about life, philosophy, art and then saw the Wedding Crashers. And I was scared to kiss her. So we talked in the car for two hours. And I was scared to kiss her. Then she kissed me. And it was hot and cool and I made out like a school kid, it was amazing!

So a real date, and it was fun, and I think I'm gonna get another one:)

Great show and a great date, this week is lookin up.

The art of Seduction...

Her eyes looked into mine and I watched her lips curl... Was it a smile or the devilish grin of trouble?

She placed her martini glass down without caution and it landed as only a lucky drunk can do it, about 40% of the base left holding it teetering on the edge, a hypnotic dance with gravity that steels the attention of my sober mind away from the shrill demanding introduction she is throwing at me.

A breathy cackle precedes what she decides is the best way to break the ice with me..."HA! I want to talk to you about my ass! HA!"

She weaves her web.

Deftly I move into a position to slide the glass deeper onto the bar, and escape too much of her attention at the same time. But this only spurns this hunter on.

I feel a hand roll across my but and I pray that it is trying to steal my wallet, but its tentacles find its way to my package and give a light squeeze...

"Hey, wow. Uhm, what's your name, maybe I should know that before we go straight to my fella."

"Sam@$#@$%. And alot of girls actually like it in the ass, you are soo wrong."

" Yeah well, comedy is not the news, that's part of the beauty of it"

"I know but you're not listening to me"

I think maybe she might be trouble.

Somehow we end up at another bar, with a few people and as soon as we are alone she asks me to ask her what her favorite position is....
I am wary to play this game as her eyes are darting around the room trying to find me as we are speaking, but I make the wrong choice and play.

"what's your favorite position?"

"HA! A hard cock up my ass and my face full of pussy! Ha!"

She seamed a little dirty. But hey who am I to judge.

Another stop this time someone's apartment, now even fewer people to insulate me from the tiger. I've been told now she has fucked a few comics that have come through, I can't find a place far enough away in the one bedroom unit.

She sits on my lap. Looks at me and calls me an asshole. Then starts rubbing herself on me with the aggression of an auto buffer.

I say nothing and try and drink my Crystal Light Ice tea. I wonder for just a moment if I'm gay cause this is really not my thing. Nope, I don't want a guy... I want nothing right at this moment. What does that mean? Don't we always want something? Well, I want her to go sit over on the other chair.

She goes to get herself something from the kitchen, then the other girls leave the room. She races back and crawls up my body, rubbing my penis through my pants and trying to look seductive, but somehow the late hour and the forced alertness has given her the appearance of a "cock zombie to eat more brains err cock err..." I stand up.

She is relentless pulling me into the bathroom to ask me something urgent. What was urgent was her need to try and kiss me, however I'm like a foot and a half taller than her and I'm not leaning over so she is drunkenly trying to climb me up to my lips, but fails so she kisses my chest.

She looks me deep in my eyes and smiles and loses her balance all at the same time. And as quick as she was smiling she yanks her pants down and starts to pee.

She is a master seducer.

I sneak out to he protest as she wipes, and sit fearful in the livingroom trying to muster the protection of numbers from the other room. But I fail and she crawls into the area lies back on the couch and pulls me to her. She tries to hump me but I remain uninterested, and in a drunken moment of clarity she asks "Are you into this?"

"No."

I get up, and she sits puzzled and perplexed how someone could reject her.

I escaped the sticky web, and I went and gleefully ate a sub sandwich and an Apple fritter from Wawa.

Ahh the happiness that is passing up on bad news pussy.

file under romance. pj

Something to think about today as they question a man to lead the court. The birthplace and idea behind the court to be a voice not controlled by politics. Where did that go?
Copyright Pete Johansson

By popular demand.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Wicked Club...

The Helium Comedy Club in Philly is great!

Even with the rule about not sleeping with the waitstaff, it more than makes up for it with great, smart, fun crowds. And sexy flirty girls, who make the first move! Hello southern girls pay attention here... They make the first move, and they don't act all disinterested all night like most of you do. Sorry... I had to say it.
Great people though freakin fun, went out last night after the show, literally had to fight the pussy off with a stick. Wow, why? Well a couple of reasons, one of which I was really hungry, and I know this sounds crazy but sometimes pizza wins over pussy. Its a sad fact that nobody will talk about, but its true. The other was it gave me a kick to say no to somebody who obviously gets their way all the time. Does that make me evil? Probably but this ain't judgment day its my blog.
The middle act said I made him look like a dick in my last post so I'm here to be clear in this post he is not a dick, he is very funny. And apparently sensitive, wuss. The mean things he says are meant in good humor and when you remove the hurt parties and take feelings out of the equation its some fantastic stuff....:)
If you know anybody in Philly tell them to get down to this club and support it. It could very well turn It into one of the best rooms in this country, so let your friends and associates know about it. That's all babies....
Oh hey how's this for an idea of something to sell after my shows, 5 bucks I let you look at my penis? I swear I could made a ton of money last night if I charged people and showed it to them. Course I would have to get up the nerve to do something like that but at least half a dozen people wanted to see it, and most of them were women. I didn't show it, as I am not familiar with local laws regarding such an exhibition, and I'm pretty sure that would be a tough stigma to live down, getting busted in a club for showing your dick... Or maybe that's just what my career needs....

In America.

The United States was born in Philly. All the A list founders were here, Jefferson, Franklin, Hancock, Washington, and many other high schools and road names.
The Liberty Bell and Constitution Hall, have very powerful patriotic presence. When I read the words of the declaration of independence again in the square where they were first read to the people of this upstart colony and thought about what they were risking, for a concept for a try at something different, its pretty awe inspiring.
But its also very saddening, as there courage and opportunity is something utterly lost to the individuals in or society today. We sit in the midst of that same system they dreamed of rich with integrity and honesty, a system built on respect for humanity and freedom, yet the entire system has been hijacked by the greed of a few, and the freedoms that are protected are those of corporations and the individual citizen is left alone to defend him/herself from exploitation from these ultra protected citizens in the new aristocracy that the men that gathered in these halls risked there lives to change. But today we cannot rebel. We can barely voice concern as the very words to challenge concepts of popular beliefs have been emotionally charged with public scorn. If you bring up any concept that looks out for the population base the rhetoric starts the litany of dirty words.. "Welfare"-dirty, "socialism"=Commie=dirty, universal healthcare=false denial of freedom=dirty, election reform=unfair silencing of the rich=dirty, unions=corruption=dirty, "liberal"=immoral,simplistic=dirty.
I think the schooling in America is designed to produce under informed citizens so they never learn on a mass basis the true definitions of these words, or concepts, its the way to quell a revolution before it can ever start, by taking away all the words to describe the injustice that permeates this world. And I wonder where we all would be if some of the words in our declaration had been deemed unacceptable as some of our present words have been... What if equality was a radical idea reserved only for the bleeding hearts, or if freedom was the thought of those who were anti-business, and liberty, well look how bad that idea failed in France we don't want to repeat their mistakes....

Ok, I had to go through more security to see the liberty bell than I did to fly here. Police everywhere, guards everywhere, all making us behave, listen, line up, wait, look, stop, turn off, get out, at the birth place of American liberty. The irony, is not lost on every visitor. That 230 years later we have long ago peaked in the best of these truths that we all hold to be self evident. The homeless asleep in the streets that surround this lovely park, under newspapers quiet to the idea of another revolution, feel the equality in their cold bones. The black man guiding our tour, must see the divided city into black and white and wonder about the all men created equal, even as the smiling Mormon tourists edge him out of their pictures of this the holiest of places to the most gullible.
Well enough on the philosophical distress that we need to continue the fight for freedom from tyranny as Jefferson worded it, and let me say the Architecture of Philly is great. I'll put up some pics to showcase this then I'll write a funny commentary about somethin....

I'm thinking Album Cover here... Huh? Liberty... Freedom... Pete...
Copyright Pete Johansson

The Coolest Pic I've ever taken in Philly... This is my reflection in an abandoned trucks window with the Mason's Lodge behind me.
Copyright Pete Johansson

Happy Birthday!

Welcome to Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love, but as gay as that sounds, its one of the friendliest places I've ever been.
The Helium Club is a beautiful room in downtown, right in an area of fancy shops and cool nightlife, definitely an A room. And the crowds are awesome, smart, cool, urban, and definitely open minded.

So I knocked my first one out last night, did well in front of about a hundred plus. I really liked the comics I'm workin with, some guy named Brandon and a fella with spine-bifita named Tim.

Now a caveat here. I am under strict order to not sleep with any of the staff at this club. These are the agents specific words "YOU are NOT to have Sex with any of The Waitresses, if you do YOU will NEVER work for the booker ever again"....

It's funny this comedy club has become like the classic farmers daughter joke, except now its the club owner and his waitresses. Cause of course right away they are all over me trying to get me to fuck....
Just kiddin. But they are fun and cool but utterly flabbergasted that I don't drink. Well anyways we go out with the middle act and hit a few places... And the middle act who of course is breaking the rule that I've been given is having a great time. But he is a little indelicate in his interpersonal relations with civilians... So these three cute girls walk buy and he calls the one holding the balloon a loser. Well that was a bit harsh so I stop and apologize, but the one girl wants to kick his ass anyways. I sweet talk her and her friend out of it and they tell me that She's celebrating her B Day, She's only twenty something... Anyways we talk for a little bit and they are pretty cool, and smart.

So anyways I'm about to leave and go catch up to my new friends when she says I'd really like it if you fucked me for my birthday.

Hmm. This seems like some kinda trap. Cute girl, not even that drunk, propositions me right then and there.
"I'm sorry what?"

"Well you're cute, and you're the nicest guy I've met tonight, you made me and my friends laugh and well its my birthday, so I'd like for you to wake up in my bed"

"Ummm, well let me say goodnight to my friends."

"Don't take too long"

"I won't"

Well welcome to Philly, and happy birthday to me:)

SURREY GIRLS ROCK!

OK, so this seems to be a lightening rod issue for alot of people. But I would like to say that it is unfair to lable certain areas with generalizations, as it is so unfair to the exceptions to the rule....Not all girls from surrey are trashy, easy, or hooked on crack.... Just the ones I like.

Anyways, me and my friend Dan met two twenty year old's from Surrey last night who were all of the above, except not yet hooked on the rock, but there is a count down timer above their heads to it a la Sims2.
Anyways these girls just wanted to get down and dirty... however Romeo dan failed miserably as a wingman and completely let the "Vagina Cop" as he calls it keep anything from happening.... But all in all I enjoyed these girls company, they were fun, non-judgemental, open minded, and cute.... where did that get such a bad rep?

I think that Surrey people seem like people that like to have alot of fun. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. And if that fun spreads disease so be it. Lets step down off the high horse lower mainland, alot of us wish we could be as free as our Surrey neighbours, and come on, slutty girls are everywhere there is no need to point fingers just to make you feel better about yourself.

I am gonna make a stand and say "I LIKE SUUREY GIRLS" and I'm proud of it.

Still I don't want to live there...

Apartment Hunting....

Ahh, the questions to think about when deciding to move someplace new.

To live alone? Or to live with someone else?

I am travelling soo much it would be better to get a place with someone, but I'm single and somewhat private. Plus I'm becoming a bit of a health nut, and I don't like smokers... SO where does that leave me.

Well there are two distinctly cool areas of van that I would consider living. One is Downtown where all the shit is happening, and by shit I mean 24 hour restaurants and movies and parks and everything NY has to offer except A gulf of wealth so great it cannot be crossed.
Or Kitsalano. now Kits is a wealthy ex hippie comunity, that is very relaxed, pretty and a little more expensive than downtown.

Its really a tough choice? Do I want to meet beach girls or Goth peirced chicks? Prob the latter, but a tough one none the less.

I just got booked into Harvey's in Portland at the end of the Month which rocks cause I'm gonna blow the doors off that joint. Should be fun:)

Anyways, gotta start surfin for accomidation. By bitches.